The Show: Fruits Basket of Doom!
by Emby
Summary: COMPLETE Psychos in a box! Come read the fic that's sweeping the fanfic world because of it's freakish stupidity!
1. The Chainsaws of Doom

OOOKEY. Emby here, with her first -cough- fanfic!

**Warning: Is not edible. Contact Poison Control immediately if eaten.**

**Warning: Is spontaneously combustible.**

**Warning: The author cannot and will not reply to any suing made by readers.**

**Warning: Warnings are overrated.**

Enough of that, now. My sister would like to point out that 'okay' is not spelled with an E, and-

Wait a sec.

She's not typing.

I am. Muaha.

**I do not claim to own Fruits Basket. It belongs to Natsuki Takaya. The plot is mine.**

Me: Welcome to Fruits Basket (of Doom), where I randomly make fun of all the characters!

Kyo: What the hell! You can't do that to us!

Me: Say, "Like a llama."

Kyo: Like a llama. WHAT THE-

Me: Okay, Kyo, we all know that you're like a llama. Anyways. In this chapter, you meet Yuki, Tohru, Kyo, and everyone els-

Kyo: What are you talking about! Yuki's here? DAMNIT! Stop this madness, woman! Why is his name before mine!

Me: …For one, I'm a girl. Two, I'm the author and I can do whatever I freakin' want. And three, Yuki beats you at everything. No offense intended. It's only the truth, yes?

Kyo: ….She's right….

Me: Now, to get back to what I was saying glares. And everyone else. So, pretty much, it's Akito bashing all around. The curse of the Zodiac has nothing to do with me, and Akito can't hurt me! MUAHAHA!

Akito: What…. I am GOD! of the Zodiac and Kyo! You cannot order me around! Ooh… A fire extinguisher…

Me: Yup. This proves that Akito is actually… A woman!

Hatori: Well, you really have no proof as to that. What proves it?

Me: Shut up, Hatori. No one cares what you think.

Hatori: …She's a psycho.

Me: Heh heh… See me after this chapter, Hatori… We have business…. Teh Evi1 Author! Anywho. In other news, Shigure and Ayame have decided to re-enter high-school. Most likely to cause pain and havoc.

Ayame: We want to cause no pain! Isn't that right, Gure-nii!

Shigure. Yup. Only to sell my evil giggle books, and to make Aya's business prosper!

Me: shiver I don't want to know…. Why did they let you guys back in, anyways? Aren't you a little old and perverted to be going back into high-school? The Force says you used blackmail.

Shigure: Of course not!

Ayame: Don't be silly! We just have a few friends in the business!

Me: …Onion rings?

Kyo: WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?

Me: I can make you do anything. Like kissing Yuki.

Kyo: WHAT THE-

Me: No, I won't subject Yuki to that. We don't know what you've done with those lips. Scary, huh?

Kyo: My lips are just fine, thank you!

Yuki: Make him kiss me and I will strangle you.

Me: Threats from a prince? Who d'ya think you are, anyways? You're not exactly in a position to threaten anyone.

Yuki: I'm a character with his own series. I have my face on a few million books. I have more fan girls than you could ever count who are probably planning your demise as we speak.

Akito: Yes! I am planning your demise!

Hatori: You're a fan girl?

Akito: No, but she shall die!

Me: …Scary….

Ayame: You should be scared! You should see what she- cough -he did to Rin last night. Chopped all her hair off with a chainsaw.

Shigure: Yeah, I have the hair in a ponytail. It serves two purposes! A bookmark, and a toupee!

Yuki/Kyo together: You wear a toupee?

Shigure: Of course not! I just keep it handy just in case I'm ever bald. I can then glue it to my head.

Haru: …You took Rin's hair?

Me: Back away from the bovine, everyone.

Haru: I'LL KILL YOU! GIVE IT BACK! YOU WANNA FIGHT WITH ME? LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE, BUDDY! YOU SHOULD KNOW TO NEVER CROSS ME OR THE PERSON I LOVE! GIVE IT BACK TO HER, OR I'LL USE EMBY'S CHAINSAW TO HACK NOT ONLY YOUR HAIR OFF, BUT YOUR HEAD TOO!

((Authors note: At one point in time, Emby was totally obsessed with chainsaws. She went around hacking people's heads off online, and finding pictures of chainsaws on the internet. It was a great threat on Habbo Hotel, an online chat room. She soon stopped being obsessed with chainsaws, but keeps one just in case.))

Shigure: I'll give it back! I'll glue it on her head!

Shards of glass fly to the ground

Haru: Thank you, Sensei. I appreciate it. Now, where did Rin go, anyways?

Yuki: To a spa.

Kyo: She ran away.

Me: …How should I know? She doesn't really show up much till the 14th book.

Ayame: One, which I regret to say, I am not in! I am sorry, my beloved fans! My shop had taken all my time, with men and women's fantasies overflowing! Yuki, I shall make you a special outfit for Tohru!

Yuki: -sweat drop-

Me: Where is Tohru?

Shigure: Cleaning.

Kyo: Taking a bath.

Me: -mutters- Pervert….

Ayame: Yes! A maid outfit for Tohru!

Yuki/Me/Kyo: BACK OFF!

Ayame: …Gure-nii, I'm scared.

Shigure: I shall always shelter you from any storm, Aya!

Ayame: And I will always hold your hand in times of danger, Shigure!

Shigure/Ayame: YES!

Me: Eh…. Scary. If you two don't stop, I'll use my chainsaw. -vroom-

**Shiver**

**Yeah, bad first chapter.**

**Gimme a break, peoples, who do you think I am? Harry Potter? Geeze!**

**Review?**

**Next chappie coming soon to a computer near you!**

♥**- Emby!**

**P.S. Disclaimer: I do not own the Force, or any Furuba charries. But I do own all the threats, and the chainsaw. Thank you!**


	2. Yuki Poop Brain

**This is Emby, logging in! I return with another helping of…. The Show: Fruits Basket of Doom!**

**Anyways. Everything's good, yes, yes. My first two reviews! I'm so happy.**

**Especial thanks to-**

**Kluv19- My very first reviewer! She said it was funny, too. Yay!**

**Warning: Warning.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own a Fruits Basket. I do not own a Rice Ball. I do own a towel, some carrots, and a picture of a figment of my imagination (a chainsaw).**

**Let's get this party started!**

Me: And let's return to…… The Show: Fruits Basket (of Doom)! Today, I think Tohru and Rin are gonna show up… But maybe the chainsaw business scared them….

Kyo: Didn't scare me. I'm not a scaredy-rat.

Me: Who asked you? Let's see…. No one!

Yuki: But you are a scaredy-cat. Are you implying something?

Kyo: I'm implying that your brain's a pile of poop, you damn rat!

Yuki: At least my brain doesn't mold.

Me: THAT'S ENOUGH! I WILL USE THE CHAINSAW!

Yuki/Kyo: ……..

Me: -smiles pleasantly- Anywho. Um, I think Akito's sick today, so we won't be seeing the he-she, or she-he, whichever you prefer.

Akito: I. AM. MALE. Why the hell do you think it says, "Akito, GOD! of the Zodiac and Kyo"! BECAUSE I'M MALE, YOU STUPID B-

Me: Now, this is rated T, Akito. Go eat butt.

Akito: Butt?

Me: I take that back. Poop.

Akito: Yuki's brain?

Me: Grr. Go eat grass!

Akito: -mufflechomp-

Rin: Okay. Now I can come out.

Momoji: You were hiding behind a microwave ALL ALONG? I would've never guessed!

Me: …Momoji? Where'd you appear from?

Momoji: The lamptable. I was eating Whoppers. The ones I stole from candy box!

**A/N: I don't own Whoppers, either.**

Me: Is there such a thing as a lamptable? Whoppers! Hand 'em over!

Momoji: I ate them all. Nyah!

Me: -Purple and pink mutant bunnies spring up everywhere- Nyah that!

Momoji: -stunned silence-

Me: That'll teach him to mess with my Whoppers.

Rin: I saw him with some Hershey bars, too.

Me: -gaspeh-

Momoji: -poofs away into nothingness-

Haru: Rin!

Rin: Stay away from me!

Haru: -sniffle- We're in love!

Me: But Haru chopped off your hair, Rin. Or at least he was the reason it got chopped.

Akito: No, that was because I love Rin.

Me: -stunned silence-

Akito: JUST KIDDING YA!

Yuki: Aren't you supposed to be eating grass?

Kyo: Yeah. Go eat grass, _God!_

Akito: Don't take that tone of voice with me, young man! –slaps-

Kyo: You aren't my mother!

Kazuma: No, I am.

Kyo: -gaspeh- Kazuma! You're a guy! And my mother eloped to America with a clown!

Kazuma: No, I married your mother. And then I got pregnant.

Me: Wait a tick…

Kazuma: Yes, it's true. Your father is a figment of my imagination. Your mother is a woman. And I'm a guy. And…. I love you, Kyo!

Me: Who do you think you are, Kyo on a stick!

Kyo: -stunned silence- -angry face- YOU LIED TO ME, YOU BASTARD!

Me: Get out of that Kazuma cosplay costume, Shigure.

Kyo: He said he loved me! DAMN YOU, SHIGURE!

Shigure: Heh heh… Um… I gotta go… Yeah, terrible deadline…..

Me: Ayame! Get out of that Shigure that was in a Kazuma cosplay costume cosplay costume!

Ayame: So you saw straight through me!

Me: You're actually Ayame, right?

Ayame: Yes! And I'm not supposed to be in this chapter! Good bye, my screaming fans! –poof-

Rin: Damn.

Haru: Rin, I still love you, no matter what happens. I… I…

Rin: Give it up, you stupid cow. I don't love you. You're ugly, and you're a cannibal. I know what was in that burger. Horse. And some cow meat.

Haru: It's a lie! –eats burger-

Me: Cannibal… Hey, Rin. I got something that'll make you happy…..

Rin: What? You're gonna poof Haru? You better, damnit!

Me: -Heheh- -dangles carrot tied to stick-

Rin: -eyes go wide- CARROTS! –leaps up and down-

Haru: Wow. You don't know how long I've wanted to see that.

Me: Haru, you're ugly.

Haru: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE CALLING UGLY? I MEAN, LOOK AT YOURSELF! YOU'RE A COW!

Me: No, that's you.

Haru: YOU WANNA FIGHT? HUH? YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME! I WILL KILL THIS FICTION, I WILL KILL YOU! MUAHAHAHA! JUST WATCH ME! YOU'LL REGRET THE TIME YOU CROSSED HARU! I'M GONNA TAKE YOU DOWN!

Me: -vroom-

Haru: ….. I'll be good……

**Wow. Tohru's taking her time.**

**Thank joo, my loverly reviewers! Thank joo so much!**

**Number 3 shall come out soon. I know it was a quick update, but…. XD I was bored.**

**Seeya tomorrow… In another episode!**

**-Poof-**


	3. Bashing out brains with golden Lemons

**It 'tis I!**

**The one no one loves!**

**Oh well. That's okay.**

**Emby really doesn't care!**

**Anyways. I'm back, bringing more chainsaws, more threats, and more random stupidness to your life. Welcome! Have a nice day. Goodnight.**

**DISCLAIMER: Blah blah blah, Fruits Basket, blah blah blah, chainsaw.**

Akito: Welcome to The Show: Fruits Basket (Of Doom)! Now starring…. ME!

Me: What the froggies….? THIS IS MY FAN FICTION!

Kyo: Yeah, damnit. Mine.

Me: Kyo, shut up. Akito! I don't want to make you eat grass again, considering that you're doing nothing in this chapter! I just don't want to have a fat bloke/chick on my hands! That would suck grass…..

Yuki: That makes no sense.

Me: Just the point.

Yuki: You confuse me.

Me: I have no point! I'm round!

Everyone: ….

Me: Anyways. Akito, I sentence you to….. Um…. Drink eight gallons of Dr. Pepper!

Akito: NO! NOT DR. PEPPER!

Me: For everyone knows that Dr. Pepper is one of the worst drinks in existence, aside from the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, which is like having your brains beat out with a lemon wrapped around a gold brick!

**A/N: I don't own the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Hitchhiker's Guide does. Muaha!**

Yuki: Sounds painful.

Me: Bet your brain it is

Kyo: Where is Tohru? God damnit, you keep saying she's gonna appear, and then nothing happens! Damn you!

Yuki: Yes. Where is Miss Honda?

Hiro: She could be up your butt for all I care.

Yuki/Kyo: -gaspeh!-

Me: The microwave thingy is getting old.

Hiro: That's a T.V., dumbass.

Me: Luckily, my chainsaw pulled an Achille's tendon, or you'd be drawn and quartered right about now, and hung up for everyone to see.

Hiro: Was that a threat? Child harassment!

Me: Muaha. It ain't child harassment if I'm only a year older than you.

Hiro: … Well, I can still sue you.

Me: You must not read the earlier chapters. It clearly states that I am legally protected from all suing.

Hiro: This isn't over.

Me: Nope. Still got a few pages to type.

Kyo: Why did this happen to me? Stuck with everyone I hate… I have an evil-

Me: -gaspeh- PLOT REVEAL! PLOT REVEAL! EVIL KYO! SHUT UP!

Yuki: Yes, stupid cat. You could ruin the wonderful experience of everyone reading Fruits Basket and watching handsome me reveling in glory before screaming fans, signing babies, and stuff like that. I'm so much better than you. You have to admit it.

Me: Um… Um… Cheese poofs!

Kyo: YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME! I beat you at cooking! Tohru loves me more than she loves you! I make her leek soup and you do what? Help her with homework? Who would want to do that? See! I can cook! You burn everything you look at! I mean, look at the author!

Me: It…. It…. IT BURNS US!

Kyo: See?

Me: Oh. I was looking at my little brother's perm.

Yuki: Ha. Ha.

Shigure: He got… a perm! HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: Exactly what I think. –giant grin- I laughed so hard. Ever see a guy in curlers? It's even better than watching a person clean their feet.

Everyone: ….

Me: Heh heh heh. Forget I said anything, alright? I mean, I've… Well…

Shigure: SHE'S FLUSTERED! HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: Shutup, or you'll be kissing Aya!

Ayame: I wouldn't mind so much…. Would you, Gure-nii? It would be an exact replica of the lovely make-out session we had last night!

Shigure: Now, now, Aya, we're talking in front of virgins. Don't want to ruin the experience….

Me/Kyo/Yuki: -pure horror-

Me: Well…. SPRINKLES AND CHEESE!

Kyo: What the hell?... That's the third freakin' time today!

Me: Well, that ends-

-BUZZ-

-MEOW-

**Lovely ending, aye?**

**Anyways. Time for me to go to sleep.**

**I also know that's the third time today I've updated, and I said this update would be posted tomorrow.**

**I got bored!**

**Thanks to-**

**Invaderfromearth**

**SakuraRibbons**

**Kluv19**

**THEY REVIEWED! D D**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**


	4. I have Pantene ProV Hair

**-dances-**

**Emby here!**

**I ♥ my reviewers! The new ones are:**

**Darkeh (Who just happens to be my step sister… Muaahah!)**

**Desirepassion**

**And another one from…. SakuraRibbons!**

**GO REVIEWERS!**

**Anywho. This is the newest chapter of… Stupidity and the such!**

**DISCLAIMER: Blah. Furuba. Blah. Blah. Chainsaw. Blah. Mine.**

Me: Oh. Meh. Akito.

Akito: Haha! You said 'Akito' in place of 'God'! MUAHAHA!

Me: I only said your name so that I could express extreme disgust and idiocy.

Akito: …

Kyo: So what'd you say his/her damn name for in the first place?

Me: No reason.

Kyo/Akito: ….

Me: Anyways. I had the weirdest dream last night. Tohru died, and we didn't care.

Yuki: Really?

Me: Nope! I had a dreamless sleep last night.

Hatori: Not only psycho, but bizarre too.

Me: Hey Hatori… did you know that I borrowed a pair of chopsticks from my lovely sister Darkeh?

Kyo: Don't you live in that hellish America!

Me: Yes! The streets are paved in gold. BEAT THAT, JAPAN!

Japan: Oh yes, I will…. Muahaha!

Yuki: So what's with the chopsticks?

Me: This! –sticks chopsticks up Hatori's nose-

Hatori: -poof-

Yuki: That looked painful.

Kyo: DAMNIT! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE PEOPLE POOF! IT'S DISCONCERTING!

Me: I didn't know you had so many big words in your vocabulary, Kyo. More than one syllable, at the least!

Yuki: Took my line. Damnit.

Me: Why does everyone hate meee!

Shigure: I don't!

Me: You don't count. Anywho, to the question: Is Tohru dead?

Akito: I hope it was her I buried last night.

Me: No, that was a mutant purple bunny in a Tohru cosplay costume.

Akito: ….

Me: I put him there so you'd stay out of my hair.

Hiro: You have hair?

Me: You again? LEAVE ME ALONE, BRAT! DUH, I HAVE HAIR! IT'S PRETTIER THAN YOURS!

Hiro: Prove it!

Me: I WILL! –shaves Hiro's head-

Hiro: -stunned silence- -poof-

Me: Teach him to mess with Pantene ProV hair.

Yuki: You're very revengeful, you know that?

Kyo: Yeah, damnit.

Me: Why'd you swear? There was no reason to swear.

Kyo: I LIKE SWEARING, DAMN YOU!

Me: There he goes again….

Kyo: I can see sentences without swearing. SEE! DAMNIT!

Me: Ha. Ha.

Yuki: Yes, you stupid cat.

Kyo: You wanna fight wit' me!

Yuki: Why not?

Me: -FOOM- -EXPLODES- THAT'S ENOUGH!

Yuki/Kyo: -crispy-

Me: Anyways. The main question this minuet is where did Tohru go?

Yuki: A spa?

Kyo: She ran away?

Hiro: She commited suicide?

Me: -glare-

Uo: Oh. I heard to went to America, where the streets are paved in gold.

Hanajima (Known as Saki): Oh, no, Arisa, she went to go to her mother's grave.

Me: For two days and four chapters? With no food?

Saki: Yup.

Me: Oh well. Anyways, these poppyseed muffins are really good….

Everyone: Yummy….

Me: Have some! –hands out-

-few minuets later-

Me: TIME FOR RANDOM DRUG TESTING!

Hiro: You tricked us!

Me: Yep. –smirks- You're first, Hiro!

Hiro: AHHH! I'm not old enough!

Me: I say you are.

Hiro: -poofs after RDT-

Me: Okay. RDT is over.

Kyo: No one else has to do it!

Me: Nope. I just wanted to get rid of Hiro.

Everyone: ….

Saki: Who was that kid, anyways?

Yuki: One of many relatives.

Uo: HOW MANY ARE THERE!

Me: More than I can count on seven fingers.

Saki: That makes no sense…. What did you do to Tohru?

Me: -sweat drop- Nothing! Bleep me and I'll BEEEEP you back! Meaning, chainsaws and chopsticks combined!

Uo: Huh?

Me: No one reads the earlier chapters…. –grumble-

**So, where is Tohru, exactly?**

**MUAHAHA!**

**Anyways. The chopsticks are Darkeh's. Her penname is Darkeh. Look her up. She reviewed me, so she deserves it! Yay!**

**THAT CONCLUDES ANOTHER EPISODE OF….. The Show: Fruits Basket of Doom!**

**Seeya in about an hour!**

♥♥♥**-Emby**

**P.S. Keep on spitting, Chris. (inside joke!)**


	5. I'm not Happy without My Meow Mix

**For all those Kyo fans…….**

**THIS IS ONE OF HIS SPECIAL CHAPTERS! WOOT!**

**Cheers to you, my reviewers!**

**And chopsticks to Darkeh, who is my inspirations!**

**Disclaimer: …..Chainsaws?**

**This is Emby! In all her randomness, bringing you another episode of… THE SHOW! As popular as Star Wars!**

Me: Hi Kyo.

Kyo: What the froggies? YOU'RE BEING NICE TO ME! DAMNIT, HAVE YOU HAD TOO MANY POPPYSEED MUFFINS!

Me: Nope. Just putting up a façade of niceleyness.

Kyo: God damnit, is that even a word!

Me: Nope. –shakes food bowl-

Kyo: Meow mix!

Me: Meow meow!

Kyo: I want my Meow Mix! –jumps-

Me: Be a good kitty and I'll give it to you at the end of the show.

Kyo: Okay.

Me: Sign here, here, and here….

Kagura: NO, KYO, MY LOVE! DON'T SIGN! You're selling your soul!

Me: Shut up. Anyways…. –hands pen-

Kagura: Kyo! I love you! I have Brand Name Kibbles!

Kyo: I want my Meow Mix! –signs-

Kagura: NOOOO!

Me: If you'll read in extra extra fine print, it says you have to do whatever I say doubly now, not only because I'm the author, but because you signed a contract to get Meow Mix!

Kyo: …. What?

Me: -heh heh heh- Eat leeks!

Kagura: No! I will eat them! In his place, please!

Kyo: -being drawn towards the leeks-

Me: Shut up, Kagura. –rips up contracts-

Kyo: -stands still- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! I WANT MY MEOW MIX!

Me: Here ya go.

Kyo –chomp-

Me: It's now the end of the episode!

Kisa: I'm confused.

Me: Just kidding. KISA! –huggles- YOU'RE SO CUTE!

Kisa: Get off of me! –pushes with inhuman strength-

Me: But… Kisa… You're a figment of my imagination!

Kisa: I hate you! You shaved Hiro's head!

Me: Because he was being an annoying dwarf. He's lucky I didn't chop off his head.

Kisa: STUPID AUTHOR! –pushes off cliff-

Me: Ahhh!

Akito: HAHAHAHAHA! NOW I AM Akito, GOD! of the Zodiac and Kyo and Emby and this fanfiction! MUAHAHAHA! My first order….. Kyo, gimme that Meow Mix.

-throws kibble off cliff-

Kyo: NOOOO! WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD ANYWAYS, DAMNIT!

Akito: The author. –chews on carrot-

Rin: Must… have… CARROTS!

Akito: -chews on Rin-

Yuki: -shudder-

Akito: For Yuki, I have punishment! Um…. Hmm….. Hatori, what's suitable punishment?

Hatori: Punishment for what?

Akito: Being alive, and sucking up to the author. Wait, Kyo did that too…. Punishment for both of them!

Hatori: ….Why don't you just pretend you punished them and have them whimper and cower in a corner?

Akito: GOOD IDEA! GO WHIMPER AND COWER, MINIONS!

Kyo/Yuki: -muttergrumble- -whimper/cower-

Me: I HAST RETURNED FROM THY OWN DEATH! CEASE SEIGE ON MY FICTION, OR THOU SHALT FACE THY WRATH OF SO-SAID CHAINSAW!

Akito: What did she say?

Hatori: She threatened you with a chainsaw.

Akito: NEVER! How'd you return from Kisa pushing you off a cliff, anyways?

Me: -pats Edward Elric's head- You can go back to your place, now, Ed, at the bottom of the cliff. Tell Alphonese I say hi and thanks.

Akito: WHO THE HELL IS THE RUNT!

Ed: RUNT? WHO ARE YOU CALLING RUNT? YOU CALL ME A DWARF, A LITTLE PERSON! DAMN YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! –beats up Akito-

Me: Uh, Ed, if you don't stop, he's gonna die.

Ed: Oh. Sorry. Seeya later!

Me: Bye! –thumbs up-

Akito: -near death-

Me: Haha! I wanted to see that happen sooo much! –uses magical healing powers on Akito-

Akito: Who the hell was that!

Me: Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist from his book, Fullmetal Alchemist.

Yuki/Kyo: -still whimpering/cowering-

Kisa: Why was he here? And why did you survive that fall, damnit!

Me: Kisa! –gaspeh- Language!

Kisa: …

Me: Anyways. I survived because I'm the author, and I can float while using the Force. Pretty magical, aye? I think so. Muaha. And Ed was here because he lives at the bottom of the cliff with Alphonese, his brother, and I wanted to see Akito get beat up by Ed because Ed is a wicked awehsome alchemist, even though he has never graced the pages of Fruits Basket.

Hatori: Did anyone just understand a word she said? No? Who wants to make sure she actually dies this time?

Kisa: -raises hand-

Me: -pushes off cliff- Bye Kisa!

Hatori: -poop- -Sorry, meant poof-

Me: Stop whimpering, you two.

Kyo/Yuki: -cowering-

Me: And cowering!

Kyo: Damnit, that was embarrassing.

Yuki: You think it was embarrassing? ALL MY FANS JUST SAW THAT! All those lovely fan girls! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

Me: My fault? What did I do?

Yuki: You didn't even fall off a cliff! You hid behind that china bowl!

Me: But… Ed is wicked awehsome!

Yuki: I'll ignore that. Anyways, I SHOULD BE GOD BY EQUAL HERITAGE!

Akito: That makes no sense! Ooh…. Fire hose!

Me: See? A WOMAN, I TELL YOU! A WOMAN!

Everyone: …..

Kyo: Meow meow meow meow! Meow meow meow meow! Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow! WHAT THE HELL! THAT'S THE MEOWMIX THEME!

Me: I made you sing it.

Kyo: Meow Mix Meow Mix please deliver! I'm HUNGRY!

Me: -hands bowl of Meow Mix that supposedly flew off cliff like a frisby-

Kyo: I'm not happy without my Meow Mix!

**Woo. Weird chapter.**

**And no one knows- or cares!- where Tohru is. MUAHAHAHA**

**Quickie update, huh? Oh well.**

**I don't own Meow Mix. I have kibble for my kitties. BRAND NAME kibble, for that matter.**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**

**P.S. I've never tried kitty or dog food. Have you?**


	6. Bricks Are Us

**EMBY IS HERE!**

**Guess what.**

**I GOT 9 REVIEWS! YAY! I'm so happy!**

**Whenever I get/look at reviews, I get a warm, fuzzy happy feeling inside.**

**MUAHA!**

**Thankies to **

**Yasu-san and **

**Mugglecastlover31**

**MY LATEST REVIEWERS!**

**Thish is Emby, bringing you punch six of The Show: Fruits Basket of Doom!**

Me: Woo. Too many cookies.

Momoji: Cookies? WHERE?

Me: Here. –evil smile-

Momoji: -munchies-

Me: TIME FOR RANDOM COOKIE TESTING!

Momoji: -poofy!-

Me: Heh heh heh.

Hatori: Did you actually make cookies? Did you do that on purpose?

Me: Yes and yes.

Kyo: You evil….. TOHRU! I WANT COOKIES TO THROW AT HER!

-silence-

Kyo: Tohru?

-cricket noises-

Kyo: What the hell did you do to Tohru!

Me: Um… It's a long story.

Shigure: Well, no one really cares. I'm hungry. WHO WANTS TAKE OUT?

Me: Crisco?

Akito: What the hell is Crisco?

Me: ….I really don't know.

Akito: Well, if your gonna be random ,you might as well make sense! Ooh. A bar of Crisco…..

Me: -smug smile-

Kyo: What are you making everyone say?

Saki: Indeed. You seem to have evil waves radiating off you, not to mention everything you touch.

Me: Why do I get the feeling that there's gonna be a mutiny?

Ayame: I would never mutiny against you, beloved authoress!

Me: ….You're too old for me.

Ayame: But you shall grow up!

Me: Really….?

Arisa: It's not like she's Peter Pan, or anything. God.

Kyo: Who's Peter Pan?

Me: Peter Pan is a figment of someone's imagination.

Saki: EVIIILLLLL! EVILLLL!

**A/N: Ever seen SpongeBob?**

Me: I'll ignore that. Anyways, who votes we go on a quest to kill –cough- I mean, find Tohru?

Saki: If someone doesn't go…. –hidden threat-

Me: Nevermind. The quest is off. We were gonna go on a quest, but Nickelodeon decided that another premiere of "Let's Count to 3 on Our Toes!" was in order.

Hatori: How many people can't count to three?

Me: I can't count to seven. Does that count?

Kyo: -stunned silence-

Me: Hi Kureno.

Kyo: DAMN MICROWAVE!

Kureno: That's a towel.

Arisa: Kureno!

Akito: You know him? KURENO! GET YOUR SORRY BUTT OVER HERE!

-kisses Kureno-

Arisa: -gaspeh-

Me: Akito, your… your…. Um….. Wait, I'm confused.

Hatori: You're not the only one. I thought Akito only kissed me.

Yuki: Think again, sea slime. Akito thinks I'm hotter than you. Told me so just yesterday. Akito probably kisses me more than you!

Me: No, not that. Does this prove that Akito's…. A WOMAN!

Akito: Fire truck?

Me: Huh? Randomness is mine.

Akito: -poop poof!-

Me: Haha. Anyways…. If it's a woman, the kiss was okay…. But if Akito's a MAN…. This could say a lot about why you act the way you do, Kureno.

Arisa: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YOU DAMN CHEATING LIAR! YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!

Kureno: -gulps-

Arisa: And… And…. I'M CARRYING YOUR CHILD!

Me: Seriously?

Arisa: No. I was just being dramatic.

Me: Oh. Anywho.

Kureno: I think that our affair must end. I'm…. MARRIED TO AKITO!

Me: That makes sense. You guys being related and all.

Saki: How does that make sense….?

Me: Just like it makes sense that I say you're wearing pink!

Saki: -is wearing a pink dress- IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! PLEASE, MASTER, IT BURNS! IT BUUURRRNS!

Me: The Gollum routine is mine.

Saki: -poof-

Arisa: -kicking Kureno's butt-

Kureno: FINE! I ADMIT IT!

Me: Admit what?

Kureno: I ATE THE WHIP CREAM!

Me: GRR! You touched my whip cream…. –holds up chainsaw- Oh meh Akito! HOW COULD YOU, KYO!

Kyo: What did I do?

Me: IT'S….. IT'S….. IT'S COVERED IN 'I LOVE KYO!' STICKERS!

Yuki: Are you sure it wasn't Kagura?

Me: They shall pay! IN THE HIGHEST DEGREE!

Everyone: -stunned silence-

Me: I'm hungry.

Yuki: What? You were talking about revenge…. AND NOW YOU'RE HUNGRY!

Me: Yup. Anyone got steak?

Haru: STEAK! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE KIDDING? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STEAK? STEAK STEAK STEAK! IT'S ALL YOU EVER TALK ABOUT! DON'T YOU THINK IT'S DEMEANING OR INSULTING TO ANYONE? HUH? HUH?

Me: You're wearing leather and a cow-hide jacket.

Haru: Good point.

Yuki: -snicker- What a cow.

Haru: Bull, thank you very much.

Me: BS? Who wants to play?

Shigure: -gaspeh- Emby! This is rated T! Everyone knows that BS stands for Bull-

Me: -stands for **B**ricks are U**s**. Right, Shigure?

Shigure: Oh. Yeah. I knew that.

Haru: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!

Me: -stunned silence- Please. Please, God, no!

Haru: Your mama's so fat she's as big as a cow!

Kyo: Something's wrong with Haru.

Hatori: He's been diagnosed with Mad Cow disease.

Kyo: …Doesn't that affect the brain?

Hatori: Nope. Doesn't effect anything. It's just really, really contagious.

Me: -backs away from Haru- So, why is it a disease?

Hatori: He'll be temporarily mad.

Me: Oh well.

**Muahaha! So how's THAT for a chappie? Yup. It's longer than normal. I'm crazier than normal.**

**Yes, I did just make cookies. Yup.**

**Um, thankies! **

♥♥♥♥♥**- Emby!**


	7. I'm Gonna Poke out Hatori's Other Eye

**Hi y'all.**

**Here's to all meh lovely reviewers! THANK JOO!**

**Anywho. Back to the craziness.**

**I suspect Darkeh put the stickers on my chainsaw.**

**And…. Who thinks Tohru should show up? Anyone? No?**

**Okay. Gimme your answer and we'll see.**

**TIME FOR…. The Show: Fruits Basket of Doom!**

**Presented to you by Emby.**

Me: Ummh…. Sasuke?

Hatori: Who's that?

Me: -snarls- BACK OFF!

Hatori: ….Okay.

Akito: Hehe. I bet your hungry…. –holds up breakfast-

Me: NO! Must…. Resist…. Food!

Kyo: Actually, I am. –eats food-

Kureno: Is Arisa gone? Good. I was afraid she was going to bash in my head. It would hurt, considering she used to be gangsta. She also used chatspeak.

Arisa: Yo, what up my homies? Kureno? –staggers- I thought'd yo had eat'n a cow, yo! Bet your butt you did! Yo!

Me: Is she drunk?

Saki: In the highest degree. She drank about seventeen gallons of Dr. Pepper last night.

Me: Woo, she's gonna have one heck of a hangover from that nasty stuff.

Saki: Speaking of hangovers… I seem to remember something pink and evil. Does anyone else remember such a thing? It frightened me.

Me: Nope! –puts hand over Shigure's mouth-

Shigure: Mmmpfmmpf!

Me: HE LICKED ME! –chokes- God help me! We don't know where that tongue has been!

Kazuma: Actually, most dogs have cleaner mouths and tongues that cats or humans.

Saki: Kazuma! My love!

Kazuma: Saki! Will you marry me?

Saki: Always, sweetheart!

Me: Does anyone oppose this joining of these two in holy matrimony?

Kyo: What does "oppose" and "matrimony" mean?

Me: Don't like and marriage.

Kyo: I OPPOSE!

Me: For what reason?

Kyo: I don't want that Hanajima chick tucking me in at night instead of Kazuma, and I don't like people saying I have a dirty mouth! Damnit!

Akito: Don't have a dirty mouth, eh?

Me: CANADIAN!

**A/N: No offense meant to you Canadians. I know many Canadians, and they're lovely people.**

Akito: Am not!

Me: Am too!

Akito: Am not!

Me: Am not!

Akito: Am too!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Arisa: I like liver! And Akito! Yo, yo!

Me: Whaa? How'd you know his name? And what about Yoyos?

Akito: YOU SHALL DIE, AUTHOR! YOU TAKE AWAY ALL AUTHORITY FROM ME! FACE MY WRATH, MINION! –grabs Emby's chainsaw-

Me: GET YOU HANDS OFF MY CHAINSAW! –sends flying off cliff- Don't touch meh chainsaw.

Yuki: …Obviously. FANGIRLS!

Fangirls: L-O-V-E! We love Yuki! LALALALALALALALALA! YUKI!

Me: -hyperventilates-

Yuki: Poke the author until she dies.

Fangirls: POKE POKE POKE!

Me: Huh? How's that supposed to kill me? They're poking midair! Anyways, I am the almighty authoress.

Fangirls: Look! A Tohru dummy pretending to be a purple mutant bunny! KILL THE WITCH!

**A/N: No offense meant to you witches, either.**

Purple mutant bunny: Bunny bunny? BUNNY! –runs away-

Me: Hahaha. Your mindless mob is a bunch of dorks.

Yuki: I see. –sweatdrop- I'll kill you anyways. Somehow.

Kisa: I'll help you, Yuki! SHE HURT HIRO….. –snort snort-

Me: Scary…. It's supposed to be really hot today, and I live by a lake. Anyone wanna go swimming?

Ayame: Skinny dipping? OF COURSE! C'mmon, Gure-nii! –jumps in lake-

Shigure: Right behind you, Aya! –splash splash-

Me: I'm never, ever going swimming in that lake again. Let's put some sharks in there…. EVERYONE, SHIELD YOUR EYES!

Everyone: -covers eyes-

Shigure: Sharks? –runs out of lake-

Ayame: Ooh, hi sharks! OW! IT BIT ME! –runs out of lakes-

Me: Keep your eyes covered. They're probably naked. Scary thought….

Ayame/Shigure: -yelling fades away- -poof!-

Me: It's safe now. –opens eyes- Thank you, lovely sharks.

Shark: No problem. –poof-

Kyo: Oh, great. NOW YOU TALK TO SHARKS, DAMNIT!

Me: Not only sharks. There's trees, rocks, windows, and most inanimate objects, not to mention figments of my imagination such as you guys. –nods-

Kyo: -stunned silence-

Hatori: Have you learned to count to seven yet?

Me: Nope. –runs into wall-

Kyo: Damnit, your clumsy!

Me: Yup. I run into walls, door, I fall down stairs, I fall up stairs, I run into ceilings… And that's only a few.

Kisa: Um, scary? Who wants to kill her now?

Me: I never got revenge. –pushes off cliff- Ha! Try to kill me now, huh?

Hatori: You're quite violent.

Me: Off you go! –pushes off cliff- Anywho… FOR THE CONTINUING MYSTERY OF: WHERE DID TOHRU- Wait, wait…. Script change! – OF: WHO PUT THE STICKERS ON MY BELOVED CHAINSAW!

Haru: I did! Your mama's so fat, she turned into a cow!

Haru: I'm a cow!

Haru: I like burgers and milkshakes!

Me: -gaspeh- He's still infected! EVERYONE, BACK AWAY!... By the way, did you actually put the stickers on my chainsaw….?

Haru: Yes!

Me: Hmph. –uses beef jerky to push off cliff- I didn't want to touch him. TAKE THAT, YOU STUPID COW!

Yuki: That's insulting.

Me: Well, you kissed him in the first place, MAD COW DISEASE CARRIER!

Yuki: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: Nothing. Just rambling, as usual.

Kureno: I see…. Anywho, I gotta go. Akito, honey, come back soon, okay? The new doctor, Kana, will get worries soon.

Kana: WHERE'S HATORI? I GOTTA POKE OUT HIS OTHER EYE!

Me: I get the feeling she recovered all of her memories….

Kureno: Yup. Including the ones about her and Hatori's terrible relationship. Oh yes, script change! She's the one who poked out his left eye. It was quite painful for Hatori.

Kyo: Is that why he's the angry, sadistic man who kisses Akito today?

Kureno: OH. MEH. AKITO. Akito, you kissed Hatori!

Yuki: And me.

Akito: Nope. They kissed me. It was entirely un-consensual on my part.

Kureno: Which means….?

Akito: I didn't want to be kissed.

Kureno: Good. 'Cause I'm a jealous lover.

Me: -twitch twitch- Which begs the question…. Akito, are you a man or a woman?

Akito: Ooh! Fire station! –poof-

Me: Why does Akito always poof whenever I'm asking questions?

Arisa: Dr. Pepper, yo! It's nasty!

Kana: WHERE IS HATORI?

Kyo: …Where's Tohru, damnit?

Yuki: I will kill you!

Kureno: Akito, my love!

Kazuma: We will get married, Saki, honeycakes!

Saki: I know, flower!

Me: …Uh, none of those answer my questions. Do you guys all belong in the loony box?

-silence-

Me: Uh huh. I thought so.

Kana: HAND OVER HATORI!

Me: Shut up, Kana. I pushed him off a cliff.

Kana: I'LL KILL YOU!

Me: Why does everyone want to kill me? I mean, it's not my fault you're all deranged, loony mad people!

Kyo: You're the one typing, idiot.

Yuki: What'd you say?

Kyo: You're the on-

Yuki: No, the author.

Me: I said, it's not my fault you're all deranged, raving mad peo-!

Yuki: -chokes-

Me: -is choked-

Yuki: -pop!-

Me: -massages wrist- I wonder why he disappeared with a pop. I also wonder why he was choking my wrist. Oh well.

Haru: My milkshake!

Me: Didn't I push him off a cliff?

Kyo: Yes, you did, damnit!

Kana: Maybe he has insane regeneration powers.

Me: Woah. Kana's acting like she's not drunk and raving.

Kana: THAT MEANS HATORI CAN DO IT TOO! DAMNIT, HATORI, GET YOUR SORRY BUTT UP HERE BEFORE I DECIDE TO AMPUTATE YOUR LEG!

Me: And we thought Kureno was a jealous lover.

Kana: HAND OVER HATORI!

Me: Here. –hands Hatori's cell-

Hatori's cell: Hatori's not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the seahorse neigh. –SEA HORSE NEIGH-

Me: Come back next episode. I'll reincarnate him.

**Thish is like… MY LONGEST CHAPTER EVER.**

**Seven freakin' pages.**

**Wow.**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**


	8. Seventy Days

**It is I, Emby! TEH ONE WHO RULES JOO ALL!**

**Well, no, not really. That's Akito.**

**SPEAKING OF AKITO!**

**Much ♥♥♥ and lemon frosting to AKITO. At the Disco.**

**She made up the term, "Oh Meh Akito." Heck yeah. Chainsaw plushies to her. Her stories kick butt, too. READ THEM…. Woah, that was a hidden ad.**

**KEEP THE REVIEWS COMING! YAYS!**

**Ad: Bringing randomness, stupidity, and hilarity to a computer near you: The Show: Fruits Basket of Doom! Read it today!**

Me: Yuki Sohma.

Yuki: What?

Me: Nothing. A loverly reviewer thought you were Jesus Christ.

Kyo: I can't believe you said Yuki's name, damnit!

Me: HAHA! You said Yuki's name!

Kyo: So did you, damnit!

Me: DIRTY MOUTH!

Kyo: I DO NOT HAVE A DIRTY MOUTH, DAMNIT! HELL YEAH!

Me: That's two curses in one line. Anywho. Peas or carrots, Akito?

Akito: Fire…. Fire…. Um…. What else ends in fire?

Me: I ain't telling. Whenever you say something like, "Fire hydrant", you go poof!

Akito: Haha! FIRE HYDRANT! –poof!-

Me: -sigh- Oh well. Kyo: Peas or carrots?

Yuki: Leeks.

Me: WHO ASKED YOU? Nooooo one. So shut up before I poof you. Kyo, answer the question.

Kyo: Cheese. Cheese Fondue. Fried Cheese.

Me: My head huurttts……. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

Kyo: Swiss cheese! No, holy cheese! DAMN, TOO MANY CHEESE ITS!

Me: You like Cheese Its?

Kyo: No.

Yuki: Leeks, leeks, the magical fruit!

Me: Leeks ain't a fruit. And ain't isn't a word. Muaha. Anywho. Who doesn't like soccer?

Yuki: I'm really good at it. I kick all the other boy's as-

Me: I don't. It's _futbol! _To me.

Yuki: You're an idiot.

Me: But volleyball kicks butt. Yeah! Go volleyball!

Kyo: -silence-

Me: Anyways. I did say I'd reincarnate Hatori…. Get Kana over here. This is gonna be freakin' hilarious.

Kana: HAND OVER HATORI, BIT-

Me: -waves hands magically- Hi Hatori.

Hatori: You're being suspiciously nice. Anyways, I never died. I was hiding behind tha-

Kyo: DAMN, THE MICROWAVE IS REALLY OLD!

Hatori: No. I was hiding behind that pile of cookies.

Me: They…. The cookies…. THEY BETRAYED ME! –chops up cookies with chainsaw-

Cookies: -poof!-

Kana: HATORI!

Hatori: Uh oh. Um…. Author person? Will you poof me?

Me: Grovel!

Hatori: -grovels-

Me: Teh Evi1 Author! Nope, too bad, Hatori. I won't poof you.

Hatori: You said you would!

Me: I never signed a contract. –Muaha!-

Kana: HATORI! YOU ERASED MY MEMORY, DAMNIT! YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME, BUT YOU WERE MAKING OUT WITH THAT DAMN AKITO BEHIND MY BACK! ALL THE ARGUMENTS WE HAD!

Hatori: Sweetheart- Please-

Kana: DON'T YOU SWEETHEART ME, DAMNIT! I'M GONNA POKE YOUR OTHER EYE OUT, AND FINISH WHAT WE STARTED! –grabs stick-

Me: Where'd the stick come from? Hand it over! –grabs stick- Ooh….. Stick… -pokes-

Kana: Gimme!

Me: It's mine! All mine! Back away, sista! The stick is mine!

Kana: No! I found it first!

Me: Hmmph. Prove it! REVENGE TIME!

Kana: I'm a little teapot short and stout! WHAT THE HELL!

Kyo: She's right. This is freakin' hilarious.

Yuki: Yup. Considering that Kana's about to beat the life out of the author.

Kyo: Like I said. Damn hilarious.

Me: -kicks Kana-

Kana: -poof!-

Me: My stick. –heh heh heh- Hatori, you can die again. The plot doesn't need you.

Hatori: This story has no plot.

Me: Yup.

Hatori: That makes no sense. You don't have a point!

Me: Like I said in an earlier chapter. I'm round!

Hatori: -silence-

Me: DON'T YOU READ EARLIER CHAPTERS? AKITO! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!

Hatori: -poof!-

Me: Do you think Haru still has the Mad Cow Disease?

Momoji: -limps in- Yes, he most defiantly does. He broke both my legs.

Yuki: EGAD! HE TOUCHED YOU! YOU'RE INFECTED!

Me: Hahaha! You used 'Egad!'

Kyo: Does that make it Crazy Bunny Disease?

Me: Nope. He had that before Haru touched him.

Kyo: Scary….

Me: Why do I get the feeling Kyo's the only one who likes me in this fan fiction?

Yuki: Because you're an unfeeling monster just like him?

Me: Hmm. Maybe so.

Kyo: I AIN'T NO MONSTER!

Me: Ain't ain't a word and I ain't gonna use it! Ain't!

Momoji: T-i-e-double l-grr! The wonderful thing about Tigg-

Me: Can't say that name. The person who made up that story would have me stuffed and hanging on a wall because of copyright.

Kyo: I see. So he is infected.

Me: Yup.

Momoji: YAY! –pokes stick-

Me: -drops- HE POKED IT! OH MEH AKITO! –sob- MY POOR STICK!

Everyone: -silence-

Momoji: Shh! I'm hunting wabbits!

Me: -sob-

Everyone: -cricket chirping-

Me: -stops sobbing-

Kyo: Umm?

Me: I'm over it.

Yuki: Do you care about anything?

Me: Sasuke.

Yuki: Who is…?

Me: BACK OFF!

Yuki: O-okay. DON'T HURT ME!

Me: Yeah. Stupid fangirl.

Yuki: I'm not a girl!

Me: Prove it!

Yuki: I will! –pink CareBear underwear!-

Me: No, no, I'm just kidding…. Don't take off your clothes…. Seriously…

Yuki: Hmmph. –pulls up pants-

Kyo: PINK! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shigure: I question Kyo.

Me: Shigure? Where'd you come from?

Kyo: Yeah? From behind a carrot?

Shigure: No, I was actually hiding inside a microwave.

Kyo: …DAMN YOU!

Shigure: Anyways. Don't you have blue CareBear underwear?

Kyo: No, damnit! Of course not!

Ayame: Then what is this, dear cousin! –holds up underwear-

Me: Uh…. Am I the only girl here?

Kyo: THOSE AIN'T MINE!

Me: What did I say about the ain'ts!

Ayame: Then why do they say, in Sharpie, for that matter, "Kyo's Undies?" –points-

Me: YOUNG CHILDREN! SHIELD YOUR EYES!

Kyo: YOU WROTE THAT! GO TO HELL, AYAME!

Shigure: Aw, don't say that. Ayame's just the messenger, not the writer.

Me: What….?

Yuki: At least I'm man enough to admit I like CareBears.

Me: That isn't manly.

Kyo: Yeah, Yuki-the-Girl.

Me: OOH! GUESS WHAT!

Everyone: -silence-

Momoji: Bunny kick yo butt!

Kyo: He's taken a page from Arisa.

Arisa: Oh yeahhh! Yo, yo, Momoji, homie! –still drunk-

Me: You're still drunk? STUPID DR. PEPPER OF DOOM!

Arisa: Yo, author person. –stumbles-

Me: Y'know, adding 'of Doom' onto the end of something makes it entirely more cool.

Kyo: Not uh.

Me: Yes it does.

Kyo: Nope.

Yuki: He's right. For once.

Shigure: YUKI HAS A CRUSH ON KYO!

Ayame: Deny it, brother!

Yuki: Kyo…. –kisses-

Me: Oh. Meh. Akito.

Kyo: SICKO PERVERT! –stuffs soap in mouth-

Yuki: You must admit you love me, Kyo! I love you!

Shigure: Wow. Not only a crush.

Me: Anyways.

Ayame: How can you not comment?

Me: ANYWAYS. I get to go see Who's Line with Colin Mocherie and Brad Sherwood! WOOT! I just got a ticket!

Momji: Who're they?

Me: I get the feeling you're not infected…

Momoji: NOPE! I was just prankin' ya.

Simara: SEVENTY DAYS.

Me: -scared eyes-

Kyo: I know how totake care of this. I watched Scary Movie 3.

Me: Make Shigure do it!

Shigure: Simara, all you need is a family! Ayame and I- We'd make a really good family together, with you!

Simara: Thank you. You have broken the curse! Now I can move on.

Me: Really?

Simara: Nah. I was just yankin' yo chain. –poof!-

Me: Emby won't die. Emby knows karate and will-

Kyo: -beat the hell out of her?

Me: Nope. I'll just break her neck and get over it. –shrugs-

**Die Simara!**

**The observant will note that Simara is actually spelled SAMARA.**

**Wicked Awehsome, eh?**

**COOKIES TO MY LOVELY REVIEWERS!**

**AND I GET TO SEE WHO'S LINE! MUAHAAH!**

**Have a random day! Thank you!**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**


	9. Brandishing an IV

**G'morning!**

**Ooh, I am REALLY hungry… So, this might be a little delusional.**

**Thanks to my lovely reviewers! As for Tohru….. I'm still trying to figure out if she's gonna be a nutcase or not. XD**

**So! KEEP REVIEWING! It makes me wanna write to get more reviews! THANK JOO, LOVERLY REVIEWERS! –hands orange kitty plushie-**

**This is Emby, bringing you another serving of….. The Show: Fruits Basket of Doom!**

Me: Hey. No one's here.

No one: -silence-

Me: I mean, it's usually like Kyo or Yuki are her- The microwave? NOT AGAIN!

Yuki: That's a phonebook, idiot!

Me: Hmph. What would Tohru say?

Shigure: -poof- Let's ask this What Would Tohru Say eight ball! –shakes-

Eight Ball: My mother used to tell me, "Just be yourself! You'll be fine."

Me: Typical.

Eight Ball: Whaddya mean, typical? I spend seventeen hours a day being shaken up, and belting out innocent, false answers!

Yuki: What do you do the other seven hours a day?

Eight Ball: Oh. Um…. I get coated in dust.

Me: And that's a good thing?

Eight Ball: BETTER THAN BEING SHAKEN UP!

Me: I'm not the only one who talks to inanimate objects. –throws eight ball off cliff-

Shigure: Hey! That cost me nothing!

Me: So why do you care?

Shigure: …I dunno.

Me: Anyways. Ever had a dream about an onion?

Yuki: ….No!

Me: Neither have I. Moving on. Shigure, I hear that you finally decided to invest in a call phone.

Ayame: -poof!- YES! HE DID! I told him to get one with my magical powers of persuasion, and he did! Now we can talk twenty-five hours a day, eight days a week!

Yuki: DAMN IDIOT! THAT MAKES NO SENSE! –chokes-

Ayame: -is choked-

Me: Um…. Why do you randomly grab people's wrists and say you're choking them?

Yuki: -lets go- Because I don't know where their necks have been.

Me: Why do you grab them in the first place?

Yuki: No reason.

Me: Oh. Anyways, Shigure, you shouldn't get Verizon. Get Cingular.

Shigure: Why?

Me: Verizon won't usually ring, and it gives you messages for 6:00 when it's only 4:00. And then, when you listen to the messages, they're from eighteen months ago.

Shigure: …And Cingular?

Me: No dropped calls.

Ayame: Yes! But I have a different cell company! Ayame's Cell! I pay nothing to call anyone!

Me: …Would I have to pay?

Shigure: Million yen per month, sista.

Me: I don't even have a cell!

Shigure: I have a Razr. –smug-

Me: -slaps- Ooh! A magnifying glass! Yuki, fry ants.

Yuki: Okay. WHAT THE HE-

Me: Since when did you act like Kyo? Wait….

Yuki: Act like Kyo? My darling Kyo?

Me: Okay, it's not Kyo in a Yuki cosplay costume.

Yuki: Kyo! Where are you, my love!

Me: That's why he didn't show up this morning. He was scared.

Yuki: But…. Of what? I MUST VANQUISH THAT PERSON OR THING!

Kagura: YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! HE'S MINE, DAMNIT!

Yuki: PROVE IT!

Kagura: I got to him first!

Yuki: I'm older than you, so I knew him first!

Kagura: Nuh uh! YOU ALWAYS KICKED HIM AROUND!

Yuki: SO DO YOU!

Kagura: Good point.

Me: ….

Shigure: Don't use the damn '…', damnit!

Me: -heh heh- ….

Shigure: STOP IT! IT'S ANNOYING!

Me: …..

Ayame: Uh, author dude person…. I'd be, like, starting to stop annoying Gure-nii.

Me: What? Why?

Ayame: Hatsuharu's not the only one with a double personality.

Me: ….I see…..

Haru: What? Author-chan, what are you doing to Sensei? He looks all red, bloated, and angry.

Me: Nothing. I swear! It was natural.

Haru: Where'd Rin go?

Rin: HIDE ME! –hides behind author-

Haru: There you are! Get back here!

Rin: -brandishes IV-

Haru: Don't brandish that IV at me!

Yuki: What does brandish mean?

Me: Wave about threateningly.

Yuki: I see.

Haru: Where'd you get an IV from, anyways?

Rin: ….I really don't know.

Shigure: WHAT THE HELL DID I SAY ABOUT THE DAMN PERIODS!

Me: Yuki Sohma, Shigure, watch your mouth!

Yuki: Wha-?

Me: Nothing.

Akito: If I am GOD! of the Zodiac and Kyo, does that mean I can order people around?

Me: Knock yourself out. Literally.

Akito: -knocks self out-

Me: Muaha. I love being the author. –kicks Akito-

Ayame: Hey! You can't kick Akito!

Me: Prove it. –kicks-

Kana: WHERE IS HATORI!

Me: Where did you come from? The microwave?

Kana: Nope.

Me: …Are you gonna tell me where you came from?

Kana: Nope.

Shigure: PERIODS…. MUST….

Me: Oh. Crackersnaps. I forgot.

Yuki: Crackersnaps? What the hell are those?

Me: Meh special word. USE IT AND I'LL KILL YOU!

Yuki: I'LL KILL YOU FIRST! DON'T THINK THAT I'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU! MY FANGIRLS WILL SEE TO YOUR DEMISE! YOU SHALL PAY FOR MAKING FUN OF KYO AND ME! YOU'LL SEE! MUAHAHAHA! JUST YOU WAIT!

Me: -silent-

Yuki: -waves hand in front of face- Damnit.

Me: -silent-

Yuki: SHE FELL ASLEEP! –long string of curses that shall not repeated-

Me: -wakes up- Huh? What did I do? Did you say something?

Kana: -pokes Emby with a stick-

Me: Oh. Meh. Akito. A stick.

Kana: MY STICK!

Me: Heh heh. Haru touched that stick. YOU HAVE MAD COW DISEASE!

Kana: NO! NOOO! I DON'T WANNA BE INFECTED! NOOOOO! –accidentally runs off cliff-

Me: Well. That was almost too easy.

Yuki: She's crazy.

Me: A complete idiot.

Yuki: A psycho.

Me: Hilarious.

Yuki: …Are you complementing yourself?

Me: Yup. And you just helped.

Shigure: -wild snorts-

Me: RUN AWAY!

**Wow.**

**I am crazy.**

**Or maybe just hungry.**

**WELL! SEEYA NEXT TIME IN….. THE SHOW!**

♥♥♥**- Emby**


	10. Ay, Captain! Man the Harpoons!

**Heh. Heh. Heh.**

**Some of you may have noticed the my Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfic hast mysteriously disappeared.**

**THAT'S BECAUSE NO ONE WAS REVIEWING.**

**Well. Oh well. Now I can devote every minuet of my life to THIS fanfic!**

**Tune into… Emby's 10th episode of… The Show: Fruits Basket OF DOOM!**

Me: I fell asleep today.

Hatori: You have a chronic sleeping disorder.

Me: Huh? –blinks-

Hatori: What the- Were you falling asleep?

Me: No, no! I was listening! I swear!

Hatori: Yeah. Whatever.

Me: -blink blink- In this state, someone could kidnap me and I'd never care.

Akito: HAHA! –duck tape!-

Me: Duck tape?

Hatori: The fumes will probably knock her out, Akito-sama.

Me: What's with the bananas?

Yuki: Bananas? Where?

Me: Ooh. Sorry. I meant, the apples. They're floating.

Hatori: This is a weird phenomenon that has yet to be explained.

Me: THE SUN JUST EXPLODED!

Akito: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Me: Just kidding. The moon got hit by a comet. The moon is much less important then that stupid Sun-san. Woah…. –passes out-

Akito: HAHAHAHA! THE DUCK TAPE WORKS!

Me: Duck tape? Where?

Yuki: Damnit, didn't you pass out?

Me: Yup.

Akito: So….. –knocks out-

Me: -gets knocked out- Anywho. A vei-

Yuki: You're acting strangely sane.

Me: And un-hilarious. As I was saying, a viewer commen-

Akito: Damn. I can't kidnap her unless she's knocked out.

Me: Woo… What? Did I miss something?

Yuki: No, damnit.

Me: Someone said that Kyo's dirty mouth had rubbed off on everyone.

Yuki: NO, DAMNIT!

Me: See? I'm the only one unaffected.

Hatori: Oh. Meh. Akito!

Me: NO……

Hatori: -poof!-

Me: Leave those words alone. Leave Sasuke alone, too.

Yuki: Who the hell is Sa-

Me: BACK OFF!

Yuki: I can't get a straight answer, can I?

Me: Nope. Shigure finally got into high school again.

Shigure: Yes! I did! I've been selling my evil giggle books!

Ayame: And my business is flourishing!

Machi: Yuki… I love you!

Me: Where did she come from? BACK AWAY, EVIL DEMON!

Machi: Yuki… I love you!

Yuki: Machi…. I'm not straight!

Me: Uh. Yeah. Try not to throw stuff around in my room. I will hack your head off with a chainsa- -cough cough- -I mean, I will not be happy if my loverly room is messed up after I just cleaned it.

Machi: Yuki…. I love you!

Me: Is that the only thing she can say? –gets hit in the head with a eight ball- Oof!

Akito: Haha! The eight ball was your undoing in the end!

Me: -falls over to the ground-

Akito: -duck tapes-

Yuki: Hey, she looks like that one dude from The Mummy! It's like, Imhotep!

Akito: …Uh, she's wrapped in duck tape, dude.

Ayame: This gives me an idea for my business! A super hot duck tape outfit!

Eight ball: MY mother used to tell me, "Just be yourself! You'll be fine."

Akito: And my mum used to tell me that alligators are so bad tempered because they never brush all those teeth!

Eight ball: Damn. You're an idiot.

Machi: Yuki… I love you!

Yuki: Will you shut up, you stupid woman! –pushes off cliff-

Machi: Yuuuuukkkiiii….. Iiiii loooooovvveee yooouuuu! –falls off cliff-

Kana: Stick! HAHA! I SHALT HAVE THOUST REVENGE ON THOU AUTHOR FOR EVILS DONE TO ME!

Akito: Did that make sense to anyone other than the stupid author? For I am GOD! of the Zodiac and Kyo!

Eight ball: -snicker- Wanna add another title to that?

Akito: If I can also be the author, I'll be happy!

Eight ball: I grant you another title. Now, someone do me a favor and put me on top of a stupid pillow. I'm feeling particularly sadistic right now.

Akito: I am now GOD! of the Zodiac, Kyo, some cookies and a "What Would Tohru Say?" Eight ball!

Eight ball: I only granted one title!

Akito: -throws Eight ball off cliff-

Kana: -pokes duck taped author with stick- MUAHAHAHA! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! STICK STICK STICK! HAHAHA!

Fat lady: -waddles in- Did I miss something?

Kana: It…. It…. IT BURNS US!

Yuki: The show ain't over till the fat lady sings. SING, FAT LADY! SING!

Shigure: Aye, captain! Man the harpoons! IT'S THE GREAT WHITE WHALE!

Akito: Who are you to talk about the fat lady like that?

Shigure: Call me Ishmael.

Hatori: -poof!- He's been diagnosed with the evil MOBY DICK OF DOOM! disease. It's quite contagious. Back away, everyone.

Akito: Did you know that Kate Smith is the fat lady? She used to sing something!

Kate Smith: GOD, NO! THEY RECOGNIZED ME! –runs away-

Akito: Isn't it more like –waddles away-? Not –runs away-?

Kate Smith: I'm so depressed. –throws self off cliff-

Hatori: Woo. That was almost too easy.

Shigure: Now, listen to me, Queequeg. You savvy me, I savvy you. This lad sleep here in this bed with you. You savvy?

Hatori: The evil MOBY DICK OF DOOM! disease makes people quote the book Moby Dick.

Akito: I never would've guessed. Now, I am Akito! GOD! of the Zodiac, Kyo, cookies, an "What Would Tohru Say?" eight ball, and a fat woman named Kate Smith!

**A/N: That's one heck of a title.**

Shigure: Aye. Me no sailor. It's just that I have this burning desire to go to sea.

Ayame: He's crazy! Yes! Shigure, let us drink sake together so we can be drunk and have no memory of what happens overnight!

Shigure: Aye, harpoons do like stuck in him like so many corkscrews. Aye, his spout is big, like Nantucket wheat. Aye, by death and devils, the white whale is Moby-Dick, if Moby-Dick you see!

Akito: Shigure, that damn disease is starting to annoy me. HATORI!

Hatori: I'm right here, idiot.

Akito: DON'T CALL ME AN IDIOT! I AM AKITO, GOD! OF THE ZODIAC, KYO, COOKIES, A "WHAT WOULD TOHRU SAY?" EIGHT BALL AND A FAT WOMAN NAMED KATE SMITH!

Hatori: ….Okay….

Akito: I wanna bath.

Hatori: Wash yourself.

Akito: Buuttt….. I DUNNO HOW! MOMMY ALWAYS USED TO!

Hatori: I am not giving you a bath. You're a big boy now.

Akito: -sniffles- Okay.

Me: Hi everyone. I'm back from my raid.

Akito: Wha….? –points at duck tape-

Me: Why'd you duck tape my Emby dummy?

Kana: Stick… That means….. HATORI! I JUST NOTICED YOU WERE HERE! –pokes eye out-

Hatori: MY EYE!

Me: -uses magical healing powers-

Hatori: I CAN SEE!

Me: I still can't count to seven!

-silence-

-cricket chirping-

Shigure: 'Tis madness to be such enraged. To seek vengeance on a dumb animal named Moby Dick is blasphemous!

Me: Uh…. Okay….? Did I miss something?

**And there I shall end.**

**Review for me? XD**

**GO CHAINSAWS!**

**Does anyone know who Kate Smith is? If you tell me who she is, I have something special for you!**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**


	11. Order of the Chainsaw

**WOOT! 26 REVIEWS!**

**C'mon, people! Think about it. Kate SmithFat person, yes? Google her! XD **

**Hint: Philadelphia Flyers (hockey)**

**Go DesirePassion! She gets a virtual homemade CD.**

**SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: I know you read this. I KNOW IT. I wouldn't have 466 hits if you didn't (yay!). Review?**

**Thish is Emby, bringing you The Show: Fruits Basket of Doom! Live from her own little world!**

Me: I ate breakfast in bed this morning.

Akito: Really?

Me: No.

Akito: It's hard to know when you're lying and when you're telling the truth, damnit!

Me: I'm telling the truth.

Akito: Really?

Me: No. You're so gullible.

Akito: -grumblemutter-

Me: Where's Kyo?

Hatori: Who cares?

Me: Not me! But some people do…. –sigh- Let's go on a quest to find Kyo!

Hatori: Will Nickelodeon let you?

Me: Nope. History Channel is funding our expedition.

Hatori: ….History Channel?

Me: Yeah. That's where they play Reruns of The Mummy Returns. It's all like, IMHOPTEP! IMHOPTEP!

Yuki: Kyo! My love!

Me: Okay, so who's going?

Kagura: For Kyo, my darling cat, I WILL DO ANYTHING!

Me: Okay, so that's Emby, Kagura, Yuki, Hatori, Akito, and Kureno.

Yuki: I thought Lord of the Rings had a company of nine?

Me: They did. But remember, I can't count to seven, so only six of us can go.

Hatori: -silence-

Me: Okay! Here we go! Um… Who wants to be the "Have You Seen This Cursed Kitty?" poster carrier/distributioner?

Kagura: I get to stare at Kyo's face? YEAYS! –grabs poster-

Akito: Is that even a word, damnit!

Me: …Anyways. I get to be the chainsaw bearer. And…. Um… Kureno has the lightest hair, so he gets to be the stuck up elf who's always being a butthead….

Kureno: Oh. My. God. Are you making fun of my hair? I never agreed to this! Does this outfit make me look fat?

Me: I say you agree. Akito is…. Aragorn, even though we're not sure if Akito's a guy or a girl. So you can be a girly ranger. Hatori's Arwen.

Hatori: …What the hell? Arwen?

Yuki: Arwen didn't even go on the quest!

Me: I know, but Hatori gets to be Arwen. That means, there has to be at least three make-out scenes between Hatori and Akito. –smug-

Yuki: Sometimes, I wonder about your sanity.

Me: I don't. Yuki, you get to be…. Um…. THE DWARF! 'Cept in this, you get to be female.

Yuki: …What the hell? Gimli?

Me: Yeah, whoever he is. 'Cept you're a she. MUAHA! Armed with my chainsaw, we set forth as… THE ORDER OF THE CHAINSAW!

Akito: -using eye pencil- I need a moustache and a beard.

Me: Err… Yeah. Whatever. We need one more person, to be the EVIL EYE!

Saki: -poof- This isn't Kanas…. Where am I?

Me: Hanajima! You get to be the EVIL EYE! Who is always sending the Nazgul after us to stop us from finding Kyo! In this case, the Nazgul are Care Bears. Or Care Bear cosplayers, either way. They ride the Sunshine Rays of Doom.

Hatori: This is one heck of a parody.

Me: Yup! First, we go to the Drunken Giraffe to see Akito get drunk.

Yuki: It's the Prancing Pony, damnit!

Me: If I say it's gonna be the Drunken Giraffe, it's the Drunken Giraffe! Don't undermine my authority!

Yuki: Okay.

Me: Good boy. I'll give you some poisoned cheese afterwards.

Akito: -slurs- Th--- Tat Dr. Pepper ish gud stuf!

Me: He's already drunk. How much did he drink?

Bartender: My name is Ponypoop and he drunk three gallons!

Me: Nasty. Kagura, hand him the poster.

Kagura: KYO! –kisses poster-

Me: Give it to him!

Kagura: Okay, master. –hands-

Me: Time to go to the top of Care Bear Hill to rest for the night!

Yuki: If it's called Care Bear Hill, doesn't that mean we'll get attacked?

Me: Duh, you stupid female dwarf!

**A/N: I do not own Care Bear Hill. The Care Bears do. I've never actually seen the Care Bears in action, so don't undermine my authority!**

Hatori: That A/N makes no sense.

Me: Shut up, Arwen! We haven't gotten to Dry Riverbed yet, where you come in!

Kagura: I'm thirsty.

Me: Let's just skip the major story plot on Care Bear Hill, and go straight to Dry Riverbed. Akito's too drunk to defend us with fire, anyways. He'd probably set my chainsaw on fire, and that'd be distressing.

Hatori: I am Arwen! –kisses Akito-

Kureno: HEY! THAT'S MY HUSBANDYWIFE THINGYMAJIGGER PERSON!

Me: Haha! Hatori said the lines! Shut up, Kureno, you don't come in until we get to Blonde Witch of Doom's land!

Care Bears: I love you! You love me!

Me: AHH! They have come to retaliate for us skipping the hill! –VROOM!-

Care Bear: We're a happy family!

Me: -stuffing flying- HAHA! SEE MY CHAINSAW AND FEAR IT!

Care Bears: Who d'ya think I am? Care Bears? I'm Barney, damnit!

Me: -gaspeh- Kyo was here! But…. We're in the Mines of Barney, that means! Wow, we travel fast.

Barney: Are you just gonna ignore me, damnit!

Me: -gaspehs!- Wait… Barney! –throws flaming torch- Watch out! Barney's on fire! This is, a secret desire!

Yuki: You can't copy Weird Al! Those lines are copyrighted!

Me: But I can set him on fire. Hey look! We're at Blonde Witch of Doom's land! Sweetness.

Arisa: I am the Blonde Witch of Doom, and I have come to bewitch Yuki the Dwarf!

Me: But Yuki's a female.

Arisa: Oh. Well then, take Kureno. He's a lying, backstabbing –BLEEP!- anways.

Me: That was a weird swear.

Arisa: Feel free to steal it. G'bye now! Have a good journey!

Kureno: She's so evvvviilll.

Akito: -snoring-

Me: Hey look. A giant spider.

Hatori: Looks more like a giant piece of crud to me.

Me: Oh, wait. You're right. That's a giant hairball. KYO WAS HERE!

Hatori: I didn't know Kyo was…. Um….

Me: He is now referred to in this quest as KYO OF THE HAIRBALLS. Got it?

Kagura: Kyo! WE NEAR YOU!

Me: That makes no sense. We're now at Gooshig. Shigure rules this place with an evil fist with Ayame.

Yuki: You mean…. Gondor?

Me: No, Gooshig. We skipped Horsey Paradise, also known as Rohan.

Hatori: …I see.

Me: No you don't. Kagura?

Kagura: YES MASTER! –gives poster-

Shigure: A POSTER!

Ayame: Kitty's dressed. –sad-

Me: Scary. Anywho, now we go to Mount Kazuma!

Yuki: MOUNT DOOM, DAMNIT!

Kureno: Yeah, yeah. OH NO! MY HAIR IS MUSSED!

Me: Heh heh. EVIL EYE! lives here. Wicked awesome, I must say. Kazuma's face is carved into the mountain.

Yuki: Kyo, my love!

Me: It's KYO OF THE HAIRBALLS!

Yuki: Okay. KYO OF THE HAIRBALLS, my love!

Me: Yeah. Like I said, you're a female dwarf, Yuki.

Hatori: I'm shaking in my booties.

Me: Shut up, Arwen

Hatori: Are you gonna call me that for the rest of my life?

Me: Most likely.

Hatori: Damn.

Me: EVIL EYE! HAND OVER KYO OF THE HAIR BALLS!

Saki: No.

Me: Oh. Why?

Saki: I don't have him

Me: Whaddya mean, you don't have him?

Saki: Exactly that. I don't have him.

Me: Oh. Are you saying this whole quest was a fraud?

Saki: No. I'm saying that it should be Qwest of the Phonebook to find Kyo of the Hairballs.

Me: Rawk on.

Hatori: So… Where is Kyo?

Me: KYO OF THE HAIRBALLS!

Hatori: Kyo of the Hairballs.

Saki: I dunno.

Me: Oh well. Let's chop this plastic mountain. –vroom!- Bye bye mountain!

Saki: NOO! IT TOOK ME HOURS TO CARVEN BELOVED KAZUMA'S FACE INTO THE PLASTIC!

Me: Huh? Oh. Sorry. –Not!-

Saki: I'M MEEELLLLTTING!

Me: Bye! Seeya next melt! Speaking of melts… I want a cheesy bacon melt from some fast food place.

Hatori: Like…. McDonalds?

Me: NOOO! NOT MCDONALDS! SCARRRRYYYYY!

Akito: -snore- -wake up- Huh? Wha' happ'd?

Me: Time to go.

Akito: Where?

Me: Back to the cliff. –poofs back to cliff-

Hatori: Are you saying that we all could've poofed to the mountain in the first place?

Me: Yep. It was more fun to travel there with my chainsaw. For your info, I am still the chainsaw bearer. No one can undermine my authority.

Hatori: I see.

Me: Shut up Arwen.

Hatori: MY NAME ISN'T ARWEN, DAMNIT!

Me: But it isn't Hatori either. So, I choose the lesser evil: Arwen.

Akito: Dr. Pepper….. Am I your sunshine?

Me: You Aren't My Sunshine. Stupid sun-san.

Hatori: So, the quest for Kyo was a dud?

Me: The Qwest of the Phonebook to find Kyo of the Hairballs. Can't you listen?

Hatori: Whatever. So we lost?

Me: THE ORDER OF THE CHAINSAW NEVER LOSES! Oh. There you are, Kyo. The microwave is old.

Kyo: Damn.

Me: Dirty mouth.

Kyo: No, I do not have a damn dirty mouth, damnit!

Me: It rubs off on everyone 'cept me.

Kyo: Does not!

Me: Dirty mouth.

Kyo: NOT HUH! #(#!

Me: Wow.

Kyo: See?

Me: THE ORDER OF THE CHAINSAW SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL!

**Chappie done!**

**Happy now? Thank you for being my inspiration!**

**Go Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma! Look her up.**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**


	12. Impaled By a Unicorn

**Guess what.**

**I'M BACK! (With weapons. Duh!)**

**Today's Governor of California quote:**

**GET IN THE CHOPPER!**

**Anywho!**

**You've waited for it…..**

**You've been afraid of the dark…..**

**You've giggled maniacally at the thought of it…..**

**THE SHOW: FRUITS BASKET OF DOOM!**

**This is Emby, signing in.**

Kyo: Where the hell were you?

Me: Getting in shape.

Yuki: You're 12, damnit!

Me: Language, language!

Shigure: I speak Spanish, English, and Spanglish!

Me: ….I speak Pig Latin.

Yuki: Spanish is so much better. It's like, "Senor, Senorita! Chiklets! Comercio Chiklets! Excelente comercio!"

Me: Spanish is stupid.

**A/N: No offense to you Spanish. Yeah. ♥ the Spanish.**

Shigure: Is not!

Me: Is too!

Shigure: Is not!

Me: Is not!

Shigure: Is too!

Me: MUAHAHA!

Kyo: Damn author….

Me: Peace out, man.

Shigure: Where'd that come from?

Me: An overdose of MGIGCANGOJKO, the special drug of doom?

Kyo: What the hell?

Me: An overdose of MG-

Shigure: What does it mean?

Me: Maniacal Giggling.

Kyo: What about the other letters, damnit!

Me: Oh. Those? I just put them there because I felt like it.

Shigure: …

Me: Did anyone notice in the last chapter that Barney had a dirty mouth?

Yuki: Before or after you set him on fire?

Me: Before. That's why I said Kyo had been there. Because his language rubs off on everyone.

Kyo: IT DOES DAMN WELL NOT, DAMNIT! HELL YEAH!

Me: God.

Shigure: You mean Akito.

Me: Whatever. Anyways, I saw this deer toda-

Yuki: Where'd the deer come from? WE WERE TALKING ABOUT BARNEY, DAMNIT!

Me: Beats me. Anyways, this deer…. It was missing its left ear.

Shigure: Your left or my left?

Me: Your other left. The one that's not my left. Which is technically your right, but for technicality's sake, we're gonna say it's your other left.

Yuki: Does that make any sense to anyone?

Me: Not supposed to. Anyways, this deer was missing its left ear, and it was staring at me.

Yuki: …..Your point?

Me: Wow, you're acting surprisingly sane today. And this deer turns its head, and it's looking at me, when I realize that it's actually a cement deer.

Kyo: What the hell?

Me: Yup. And it wasn't actually missing its left ear. The ear was just folded behind its head, and it turned and looked at me, and said, "I'm a cement deer." That's when I realized it was a cement deer.

Yuki: -silence-

Me: Yeah. There was also this ceramic bird, that was-

Shigure: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Me: …..I've seen a surprising number of Squarks lately.

Kyo: What the hell?

Me: Squirrel/shark hybrids. They're pretty sweet. One was a flying Squark, and it bit a random persons ear off.

Yuki: You're quite violent.

Me: And insane.

Yuki: Crazy.

Me: Psycho.

Kyo: YOU'RE COMPLIMENTING YOURSELF AGAIN!

Me: Just a special trait. Anyways, no one knew who Kate Smith was. Weird, huh?

Kate Smith: -sob- -throws self off cliff-

Me: That was too easy. Where's Hatori?

Hatori: -pooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof!-

Me: That was magical.

Hatori: Wasn't it?

Me: Not anymore. In other news, a unicorn has recently speared an unsuspecting relative of Emby's who wishes only to be known as "Chrisypoofypoopydear!" The injuries were quite severe, and after ten hours of rigorous sitting, the girl –cough cough- I mean, young man commented that his favorite color was hot pink.

Kyo: What the hell?

Me: Is that your new line?

Yuki: I wish it was.

Me: AHHH!

Yuki: KYO! MY LOVE! KISS ME!

Kyo: PERVERT! GET OFFAME! –pushes off cliff-

Me: I've never seen Yuki get pushed off anything other than his mini Barbie scooter.

Hatori: First time for everything.

Me: S'ppose so. –eats Top Ramen-

(TEN MINUETS LATER)

Hatori: Why are we watching an idiot eat Top Ramen?

Me: I don't know. Why are you watching Kyo eat Top Ramen?

Kyo: BELIEVE IT!

Me: -gaspeh- Fake Ugly Naruto American Actor! GET OUT OF THE COSPLAY KYO SUIT!

Naruto: -sniffle- The people at the shop said no one would ever guess. BELIEVE IT!

Me: Heh. Heh. Heh. Time for Naruto's American Voice and Script bashing hour! –kicks off cliff-

Naruto: BEEEELLLLIIIIVVVVEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!

Me: -shudder- Next thing, Sasuke will show up. THAT would suck. His English voice is terrible, but his Japanese voice KICKS BUTT!

Hatori: WHO THE HELL IS SASUK-

Me: BACK OFF, EVIL MONSTERS! SAY HIS NAME AND YOU'RE NOT ONLY GOING FLYING OFF A CLIFF, YOU'RE GONNA BE KITTY KIBBLE AFTER A DATE WITH MY CHAINSAW!

Kyo: …..Scary……

Sakura: I'm a girl!

Me: You think I'm scary?

Sakura: I'm a girl!

Me: No one is questioning your idiotic gender, stupid high-pitched voice Sakura.

Sakura: I'm a girl!

Me: It's AYAME! –shoves off cliff-

Ayame: IIIIIII'MMMMM AAAAAAA GGIIIIRRRRRLLLLLLL!

Me: I hope that wasn't Sakura. I'm already in trouble for killing off Naruto.

Yuki: Whaddya mean?

Me: Well, um, Naruto's kinda the main charrie…… -twitch twitch-

Kyo: And that explains everything?

Me: Um, yes.

Yuki: And what's with the damn twitching?

Me: -twitch twitch-

Everyone: -silence- -cricket chirping-

Me: I can now count to six! I think that's so special….

Hatori: I thought you could count to six?

Me: Just learned.

Hatori: And you're twelve?

Me: ……..Supposedly…………

**Short Chappie.**

**I mean, gimme a break! I haven't done this for an ENTIRE week! XD**

**C'mmon. Kate Smith. Hockey. Did I spell that right?**

**Have fun with your fingers.**

♥♥♥**- Emby**

**P.S. All my love to Chrisypoofypoopydear.**


	13. Why Does Bambi Have a Knife in His Butt?

**Hiya. This is Emby.**

**Scared you, didn't I? –Heehee!- Disappearing like that. Yeah.**

**Well, I have a reason.**

**No, maybe I don't.**

**I just don't like writing Fanfiction at my mum's.**

**SO! Now, you can look for new stories on Thursdays, Fridays, and Weekend-days!**

**Yup.**

**WITH POPCORN AND A HARD DRIVE….**

**THE SHOW: FRUITS BASKET OF DOOM!**

Kyo: You disappear a lot, damnit.

Me: Unnecessary swearing, yet again, Kyo love.

Kyo: DON'T CALL ME LOVE! YOUR AIN'T MY MUM!

Me: That made no sense….

Yuki: -pop- And since when did you?

Me: Clowns on stilts?

Shigure: -pop- That's a new one. Usually, it's like, CHEESYPOOFS!

Me: Poof… Poof….. Whait….. Why you guys appearing with pops instead of wicked awehsome poofs?

Yuki: Just lucky, I suppose.

Me: YAY FOR LUCKINESS!

Everyone: …..

Shigure: Damn periods.

Me: Stupid dirty mouth.

Shigure: Go to hell.

Me: -suffering from a hilarity loss-

Kyo: ….Scary……

Me: Yes….. Out of…. IDEES!

Yuki: Then why are you typing? Damn author….

Me: But then…. Since I didn't put ranks into Wisdom or Intelligence…. Logic doesn't apply to me! I can type as long as I freakin' want!

Shigure: -whisper- She's been reading Order of the Stick again.

Me: Yuppers. That comic is wicked awehsome. I actually put all of my ranks into Charisma and such, so you can't complain.

Yuki: Loss….. Of…. Grey…. Matter!

Me: Coolio. Have you ever heard a Australian say Wicked Awehsome? My volleyball coach Tara did once….. And, it was…. WICKED AWEHSOME!

Shigure: You are weirdly obsessed.

Me: You are weirdly logical. Usually, you're being crazy and help me in my insanity.

Shigure: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! –poopsdie!-

Me: -smug- Anyways, I saw a Unigoat today.

Yuki: A…. Unigoat?

Me: Yesh. A goat with horns.

Yuki: Goats have horns, dork!

Me: Really!

Yuki: Uh…. Yeah.

Me: Oh. But these have, like, a Unicorn horn and wings.

Yuki: So, like a Uni-Pega-Goat?

Me: No. A Unigoat. –mutters- Idiot….

Yuki: -silence-

Kyo: Kitty! –mumblegrutter- Damn author….

Me: Chloe seems determined to tell me that really, she is small enough to fit in the napkinbox.

Yuki: ….Chloe?

Me: My kitty. God! NO ONE READS MY PROFILE! –sobs-

Everyone: -silence-

Me: -snifflesob-

Hatori: -poof!- She is suffering from a mental breakdown.

Me: WHO ASKED YOU!

Hatori: I'm outta here. –poof!-

Me: -sob- -silence-

-silence-

Me: I'm over it.

Kyo: I think the mental breakdown happened a LONG time ago.

Me: What? What are we talking about?

Yuki: Kyo! Let's get married!

Me: Did…. Did…. Did you take Craft/ Disturbing Mental Image last level?

Kyo: What the hell? –gets kissed- PERVERT! –runs off cliff-

Yuki: KYO! –runs off cliff-

Me: That was entirely too easy.

-silence-

-cricket chirping-

-silence-

Me: I'm all alone….

Unigoat: -trods in- I'm here for ya, mate. I'm here.

Me: Thank joo.

Unigoat: I gotta go impale some unknowing walls that look suspiciously like your relatives. Bye! –flys off-

Me: They really do exist. I FEEL SO SPECIAL!

-silence-

Me: Well, can't the silence at least talk to me?

Silence: -whisper- -whisper- No, sorry babe, that's in episode eighty-three.

Me: Oh… I didn't mean to ruin your cue.

Silence: I gotta shut up now.

Me: I'll just have fun with the cement deers.

Ayame: -pop- That don't exist! –pop-

Me: They exist…. We'll show you, won't we, Bambi?

Bambi: ….

Me: Bambi? Why is there a knife sticking out of your butt?

Bambi: ….

Me: BAMBI! ANSWER ME!

Bambi: You know what? I $($(&$#( don't care. It's always, "Bambi! Bambi!" I'm just a cement deer, damnit! I can do whatever the hell I want! (&!

Me: -silence- -sniffle-

Bambi: God, don't cry!$(&!& author….. –poof!-

Me: Everyone I love hates me….

Akito: You love something?

Me: No. Not really.

Akito: Oh. Can I borrow your chainsaw?

Me: NO!

Akito: Okay, then. I have another question.

Me: Shoot.

Akito: Bang. Anyways, who is Sasu-

Me: BACK OFF, FREAK!

Akito: -mumble- Okay….

Me: We're gonna answer fanmail. Coolio, huh?

-silence-

Me: SHUT UP, SILENCE!

Silence: I didn't say anything! GOD!

Akito: Yes?

Me: Anywho, we're gonna answer fanmail. From fans. All 808 of 'em. Well, not really, but to send fanmail, they must review! MUAHAHA!

-silence-

Me: So, you have a question… Please, like, send it in so I can make fun of- I mean, answer your questions.

Akito: I pray to my evil deity every day that she never learns were out of sprinkles.

Me: Sprinkles? Where?

Akito: Uhm, uh! THE CLIFF!

Me: Ooh…. Really? –runs off cliff-

**It's a short chappie.**

**Deal.**

**Yeah, so, actually send in fanmail.**

**It'll make things funny.**

**Which is funny.**

**Right?**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**

**P.S. This episode is dedicated to Darkeh, for her insulting and rude nature to my fanfiction.**

**P.S.S. In Memoriam:**

**Richard "Ric" Nacarrato**

**None of the Nacarratos will read this, but I feel for you guys.**

**P.S.S.S. I HAVE MORE MANGA THAN JOO!**


	14. Barney Returns in a Flamey Burst of News

**Dude.**

**I poked water today.**

**And ya know what?**

**IT POKED BACK.**

**This is Emby, bringing you the newer and stupider edition of………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………**

**THE SHOW: FRUITS BASKET OF DOOM!**

**Note: We no longer take MasterCard, Visa, AmericanExpress, or credit cards like that. We do also not take checks, for many are forged.**

**We only take hard cash, now.**

**Meaning: Quarters. Duh.**

Akito: Yet again, I have taken control of this fanfiction!

Me: You have certainly no- -gets DUCK TAPE'D!-

Akito: HAHA! Shee, I roole.

Hatori: You also can't speel.

Akito: Neither can you, damnit! –throws Emby off cliff-

Ayame: -poof!- Y'know, the last time you did that, she lived.

Akito: Who asked you?

Ayame: No one! Akito, you are beautiful! –kisses- -pop!-

**A/N: If I survived the fall, I would yet again question Akito's gender.**

Akito: -throws A/N off cliff-

Hana: -poof!- Jesus Christ! What is with you and throwing stuff off cliffs!

Akito: Not Jesus Christ. Yuki Sohma. Remember, we worship Sohman, which a beautiful person named AKITO.At the Disco made up. WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING!

**A/N: I still control them from the dead. Muaha.**

Hatori: MOST CANADIANS ARE BALD!

Hana: UNIGOAT!

Akito: CEMENT DEERS AND CERAMIC BIRDS!

Hatori: God damnit…

Akito: No, Akito damnit. See? I am Akito, GOD! of the Zodiac, Kyo, some cookies, a "What Would Tohru Say?" eightball, and a microwave!

Me: Hiya.

Hana: What the froggies?

Me: Froggies? Where?

Akito: WHERE- WHAT- DAMNIT!

Me: Unnecessary swearing! Tsk tsk!

Hatori: Lemme guess. Edward Elric saved you.

Me: Nope.

Hatori: -sweat drop-

Me: It was a Chobit! HECK YEAH!

-silence-

Me: Quite ironic. I'm gonna list off oxymorons. Don't interrupt.

Akito: But-

Me: DON'T INTERRUPT! Oxymoron 1: Army Intelligence. 2: Jumbo Shrimp. 3: Smart Akito. 4: Harmless Chainsaw. 5: Sane Emby. 6: Microwaves. 7: Artificial Grass. 8: Microsoft Works. 9: A Fair Government. 10: Sane Emby.

Hana: Repeat!

Hatori: Damn author.

Me: Another oxymoron! GOOD JOB, HATORI!

-silence-

Me: Oh yeah. I promised…. FAN MAIL!

FANMAIL:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------w00t!----------

Me: -opens fanmail- Okay, first question:

To Emby: How did you become so cool?

Me: Um, um…. –twiddles thumbs- It's…. Like… A long story…. Having to much with chainsaws, electrical outlets, dumb people, sugar, insanity, caffine, and manga –nervous!- The short version is, I drank non-caffeinated drinks and ate pretend sugar.

To Akito: Why are you claiming to be God? Doesn't that make you the Antichrist?

Akito: I AM NOT THE ANTICHRIST, DAMNIT! I AM GOD! SO DEAL!

Me: And the reason he/she/it claims to be God is because a), Akito has a giant ego, b), The title makes Akito feel special, and c), Because Akito can.

Akito: -red face- If I was the antichrist, I would be on Touched by an Angel or something! AKITO!

To Ayame: If you really wanted to bond with your younger brother, why not just eat him? Snakes eat mice so why don't you?

Ayame: Well, because my awesome morals are so high, I don't want to eat beloved Yuki!

Me: What he really means is that he's a vegetarian, and that he's been sickened by Yuki ever since Yuki tried to kill me.

Ayame: Oh no, I wanted Yuki to kill you. Don't put words in my mouth, dear authoress!

To Kyo: Why do you say such awful swear words? It's killing me from the inside out!

Kyo: Because I can, damnit! Hurry up and die!

Me: Don't worry. He really loves you, actually. Just hiding his feelings.

Kyo: I AM NOT, DAMNIT! GO TO HELL!

Me: -pokes- Take that back.

Kyo: NEVVVVEEERRRR! What kind of question was that, anyways!

Me: A valid one.

Kyo: IT WAS NOT! I mean, disarming me like that!

Me: Oh yeah…. I just signed the marriage contract.

Kyo: M-marriage…. Contract?

Me: Meaning, I get a dowry, and you get to be married to Dukoro-chan. A.K.A Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma.

Kyo: NOOOOOOOO!

Akito: What's a dowry?

Me: I get paid for Kyo to get married.

Akito: Hey, Kyo… You're gonna have multiple wives…. Heh heh heh….

Me: I ART A CHRISTIAN! THOUST SHALL NOT DESPETE MY RELIGION-O! DOYEE! DIE!

-silence-

Me: I admit it. That was just random stupidity.

Kyo: -twitch- -twitch-

Me: Hey, he twitched! DO IT AGAIN! –pokey!-

Kyo: LEAVE ME ALONE!

Me: You need to get like, a new saying. Like, yeah.

Akito: Since when did you use "like" so much?

Kyo: A new…. Saying….

Me: It could be, "Moo!"

Kyo: Doesn't work for me, sweetheart. I'm just not feeling it. We're gonna hafta vote you off the island.

Me: But…. We're on the Mainland….

Kyo: Honey, just jump into the flaming pit.

Me: This is so unlike Kyo. What have I started!

Kyo: I need some time away from you darling. No bad feelings, I really love you, but I need my space. Maybe we should see other people. –poof!-

Me: -sniffle- Why… Why would Kyo say those things…? –sob!- What we have is special!

Akito: ….By the way, what do you have, you evil s-

Me: Nothing much…… A demeaning relationship where every few moments I embarrass him further…. A relationship where I have dreams about Kyo in a pink dress and Haru marrying Yuki….

Yuki: GOD! Who do you think I am, a ♥♠♣♦? GOD! I mean, why would I want to marry Haru? GOD! Vote for Pedro! GOD! GOD! GOD!

**A/N: Yuki in kid-friendly version.**

Akito: Yes?

Me: I hope…. I hope that Kyo and I… Can work out our differences…. –sniffle- PORSCHE!

Yoda: -floaty!- Porsche, you say? Must acquire, this lovely car, I must! Kick this clone's butt, I must! –fiddles with XBOX controller-

Me: Yoda….?

Yoda: Play Versus mode against myself, I shall. Earn my character and kick clone butt, yes.

Me: Good –giggle- I mean, bad news, Yoda-chan. Clone Wars for Xbox doesn't have you.

**A/N: This is Dedicated to DesirePassion, Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma, and AKITO. At the Disco. **

Akito: Isn't the honorific '-chan' usually used on a girl…?

Yoda: Forget Clones, we must! Kill LucasArts, we shall, for they do not have my character! HEHEHE! –waves around lightsaber, singing Akito's hair-

Akito: YOU FAT ♥♣♦•♣♦☻♥♠♥♣♦•♣♦☻♥♠! HAND OVER THE LIGHTSABER, BUDDY! –chops off Yoda's hand-

Yoda: Chopped off my hand, you have! Time to blame LucasArts for my injury, I shall! –poof!-

Akito: -smug- I love the weird blaming on someone else.

Me: HAHA! –grabs lightsaber-

-----------------------------------------------BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!-----------

-Fuzzyness-

-static-

Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: We interrupt this damn stupid seri- I mean, this program to bring you an IMPORTANT! news bulletin.

Woman with A Moustache: So important, it was capitalized!

Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: Barney has been found dead in his cave with severe burns. Kids everywhere were crying for joy until Barney suddenly stood up, glowed green, and vowed revenge on someone named Pembury. Also-

Woman with A Moustache: Wait, Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair!

Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: What do you mean wait, Woman with A Moustache?

Woman with A Moustache: An update! Barney actually said, 'Emby!'

Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: -whispers to camera men- Oh. Well, anyways, scientists reckon that Barney was exposed to a radioactive chainsaw soon after death. This has not been confirmed, but it is suggested that if you see Barney, you call 1-800-WE-WANT-BARNEY-DEAD. Yes, you heard it, 1-800-WE-WANT-BARNEY-DEAD. There is a negative three dollar reward for the caller.

Woman with A Moustache: This reward is in quarters, too!

Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: So, you see a glowing green Barney, and call us!

Woman with A Moustache: KSTUPID47 is not liable for any complaints. Lifetime warranty of full-money back guarantee on your phone if it explodes in your hand through a nanobot we will send through. KSTUPID47 cannot be sued. Any user damage cannot be paid by KSTUPID47. Warranty is null and void if phone is sniffed, smelled, scratched, tasted, looked at, murdered, touched, listened to, or slammed into a brick of concrete. Best used connected to wall.

Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: Now, back to your program.

Camera Man: CUT!

Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: Thank god that's over, Mary-sue.

Mary-sue: I agree, Gary-sue! We're both so perfect and preppy, I'm always afraid I'll break like a porcelain doll!

Gary-sue: -picks nose- -looks at booger- Eww. I need my nose checked.

Mary-sue: Let's pretend we're boyfriend and girlfriend!

Gary-sue: Why not! Random relationships that come from two people hating each other always happen in illiterate roleplays, why can't it happen right now!

Mary-sue: You're right! I LOVE YOU! –kisses-

Gary-sue: I LOVE YOU TOO, SALLY-SUE!

Mary-sue: I'll never leave you!

Gary-sue: Me either!

Mary: I'm leaving you for the hot gay boy band across the street!

Gary-sue: I'm leaving you for them too!

Camera Man: What the hell….! THE CAMERA'S STILL ON!

-GASPEH!-

Hot Boy Band: OH NO! NOW EVERYONE KNOWS OUR SECRET! LET'S COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!

Everyone: Uhh….. –whisper whisper- Everyone knew you were gay.

Magazine: THEY'RE COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET!

Camera Man: THE CAMERA'S STILL ON! DAMNIT!

--------------------------------------BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!----------☻----

Me LIGHTSABER! HAHA! Wait, wait…. I feel like… This has already happened…..

Akito: You're the only one.

Me: God.

Akito: Yes?

Me: I'm gonna go run a confessional stand. Hehehehhe.. –gets in stand- LINE UP, EVERYONE!

Yuki: -poof!- I hast sinned, father.

Me: That's ma'am to you.

Yuki: Ma'am, then.

Me: Tell me.

Yuki: I wear Care-bear undies, and I-

Me: Not that again. Tell me something REAL bad. –microphone hangs in-

Yuki: Well… It's what I did in the Care-bear undies….

Me: You…. You…. You didn't!

Yuki: Yes, I did. I ordered Pork chops.

Me: -gaspeh!- The Harvest Goddess hasn't forgiven thou! YOU SHALT PAY!

Yuki: -poof-

Barney: -walks up-

Me: Oh, hiya Barney. How you doing? Thought you died a crispy death. –giggle-

Barney: Naw. I suffer from Radioactivity.

Me: I feel for ya.

Barney: Anyways…. I have sinned! I tried to do some things to small children!

Me: What….. Did you do?

Barney: Oh, I tried to play Hide the Soul. You know, from that one Child's Play movie? 'Cept, well, we played Rip out the Hair.

Me: The Harvest Goddess hasn't forgiven you! AWAY, EVIL DEMON! AWAY, I TELL YOU!

Barney: -poof!-

Shigure: Forgive me, for I have sinned. I have touched Emby's chainsaw!

Me: OH. MEH. AKITO! THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE! DIE!

Shigure: -struck by lightning!- -crispy- -poof!-

Me: Next.

-silence-

Me: Oh. Um, I guess…. –looks at watch- Does anyone have a crayon? My watch is wrong.

-crickets-

Me: D'ya think we're out of time? Oh no! IT RAN AWAY!

Time: DIN'T!

Me: Someday, I aspire to be on Dukoro-chan's friend-like person-like wicked awehsome list. That would be… Well…. WICKED AWEHSOME…

-silence-

Me: Ever tried to talk to yourself? I have.

-silence-

Me: I've also had sweat go down my face, and then up my nose. That was a weird experience. Gravity-defying.

Akito: Damn, you just like to talk about yourself, don't you!

Me: Yes I do. Thank you for noticing.

Akito: Isn't this chapter…. A little….. LONG!

Me: Why yes, it is. I just hit page ten. With a stick, mind you.

Akito: Sometimes, I wonder….

Me: About what? Huh? Huh? TELL ME!

Akito: Your sanity.

Me: What about it?

Akito: It looks like someone just jabbed a knife into the black hole that used to be your sanity and now sucks up everything, including any ranks you had in Intelligence, Wisdom, or Smartness.

Me: Oh, no, I never had those ranks in the first place. I put ALL of my points into Charisma. And I put ALL of my skill points into stuff like Craft/ Disturbing Mental Image. That was a good bargain. Got all that last level. Yep.

Akito: What the HELL are you talking about, woman!

Me: Girl, thanks. And what about your gender? HUH! HUH! BEAT THAT, SLACKER! YOU'RE TALKING TO THE MASTER OF THE SIMS! I ROOLE ALL!

Akito: 'Cept for spelling. Teme….

Me: When we speak in Japanese, it confuzzles people. Ja?

Akito: It's even worse in German.

Me: Nien?

Akito: DIE! –holds knife to throat- -knife disappears-

Me: I knew you were acting sane for some special reason……

Akito: Sanity? Where? –poof!-

Me: So now I am alone. 'Cept for dummy silence, always coming in and raining on my parade.

Silence: Hey, I don't rain until episode 34.

Me: No, you mean episode eighty-three! GET THE EPISODES RIGHT!

Silence: BE THAT WAY!

Me: I WILL!

-cricket!-

Me: I don't know how to talk like a gangsta…. –sad- So it's hard to make fun of it.

-cricket?-

Me: OH WELL!

**This is…. **

**MY LONGEST CHAPPIE EVER.**

**HAPPY HAPPY!**

**Anywho. Much ♥ to DesirePassion, THE ONLY ONE OF YOU WHO DECIDED TO GRACE THIS FANFICTION WITH HER QUESTIONS. (Guilt trip!)**

**She sent in all four.**

**So. Yeah. She rawks our sawks. **

**-hint hint-**

**Yeah. Just so you know, I also turned on anonymous reviews…. XD Sorry. I'm kinda begging, right? XD XD XD XD! THAT GIVES ME AN IDEE!**

**Read and review?**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**

**P.S. The Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma rawks. Dunno if she reads this. I hope so. XD My inspiration!**

**P.S.S. AKITO. At the Disco also rawks. I also hope she reads this. Also my inspiration!**

♥ **TO THEM!**

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥**-------**

**E!**

**M!**

**B!**

**Y!**

**WHAT'S THAT SPELL!**

**IDIOCY AND STUPIDITY AND RANDOMNESS!**

♥♥♥**- E.M.B.Y.**


	15. Advil, Drug of Hatori

**Hi y'all.**

**Guess'ms who.**

**Me, THAT'S JOO!**

**-cough cough-**

**I took my meds today, so I'm sane right now. Yeap.**

**Pfft. Yeah right. Since when did I take my meds? GAWD!**

**I'm such a rebel. ;-;**

**Well, anywho, time for more:**

**STUPIDITY.**

**RANDOMNESS.**

**STUPIDITY.**

**ADVIL.**

**THE SHOW: FRUITS BASKET OF DOOM!**

**Now using nail guns!**

Me: Haylo.

Akito: J.Lo? What the hell?

Me: GAWD! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MEH! –sob-

Akito: Yes?

Hatori: -poof!- HOORAH FOR ADVIL!

Me: Advil? Where? Oh, hi, Arwen.

Yuki: -poppity- You're still calling him that?

Me: It's his name, dumb-bell.

Akito: Hatori! –huggles- I missed you.

Hatori: ADVIL IS MY LIFE! –giggles, almost runs off cliff-

Me: Darn.

Akito: Are you drugged? Did Shigure drug you again?

Shigure: Uh... Maybe...

Ayame: -mary poppins- Oh, yes, we used half the bottle of the little white pills!

Me: Do you think that's too much? –sips tea-

Ayame: Of course not! We're the Zodiac, we need DOUBLE of everything!

Yuki: Pervert.

Me: You're no better.

Shigure: Uh... Where'd you get the tea?

Hatori: TEAPOT!

Me: Oh. By the microwave.

Shigure: We drugged that, too. With the other half of the bottle of pills. –evil grin-

Me: Really? That's lovely.

Shigure: You're gonna die now.

Me: Oh, that's too bad. –smashes tea cup-

Yuki: FINALLY! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER FOR THIS DAY! YAY YAY-

Me: Oh? What? Half a bottle? That's only like, 1/6 of my normal meds. Idiots... –shakes head-

Akito: ...Normal meds...?

Me: -nods- Arwen told me to take them last time he got drugged. Nevertheless, I almost never take them...

Yuki: Damn. Now I have to wait till next time she dies to use this beer. –stares sadly-

Kyo: -Pop!- YAY FOR BEER!

Me: Lately, Kyo's been being compared to Sasuke-kun.

Kyo: What the hell?

Me: Yeppers. I'm a steadfast supporter of Sasuke. But, I love you too, Kyo. –huggles-

Kyo: GERROFF ME!

Me: D It's Sasuke love. Unfortunately, for all my fangirl like behavior, we can't have Sasuke-kun on this show.

Yuki: Uh... Why?

Me: Because I'd make too much fun of Sasuke, and then start crying, and then he'd hate me... –sniffle-

Shigure: Uh... Okay?

-silence-

Me: Guess what?

-silence-

Me: FANMAIL TIME! D First one, to Kyo: What kind of Meow Mix do you eat? I mean, what flavor?

Kyo: There's flavored Meow Mix? O.O

Me: Um, I think last time, I poofed him some beef and chicken or something... There was fishy in it too... I don't really remember.

**A/N: What I'm really saying is, I've never bought Meow Mix before, and I dunno what flavors there are. XD**

Me: Next question, to Yuki: Are you gay with Hatsuharu or Kyo? Or are you just gay with yourself?

Yuki: What kind of question is that? I'm usually happy with anyone, except her... –points at author-

Me: This person means gay in the perverted way, not gay in the happy way.

Yuki: Oh. Really? Then both. –nods-

Me: -shudder- Pervert... Anywho, next Q&A. To Shigure: Boxers or briefs?

Shigure: Heh heh heh... Someone must really be my fan, eh? –evil giggle- Depends on what mood I'm in.

Ayame: Yes, it depends on muah!

Me: Yeah. Whatever. Next question... To Hatori: If you turned into an actual dragon instead of a seahorse would you go a rampage and breathe fire on all of your enemies?

Hatori: -mumble mumble- Dragon... Advil... Purple pill...

Shigure: CRAP! The drugs are starting to wear off. He's gonna hang my butt over his doorway if I don't drug him again! –pours pills into Hatori's mouth-

Me: Shouldn't that kill him?

Ayame: Yes, but it won't! I'm high on pills, too!

**A/N: Note to self: Never give Zodiacs drugs.**

Shigure: Okay, what's the next question about handsome me?

**A/N: Note to self: Change rating to Mature for Shigure and Ayame.**

Me: Next question is to Akito: Are you a man or a woman?

Kyo: Hell, not even I can answer that question.

Me: Woman, I say.

Shigure: I'd be gay if I didn't say woman.

Ayame: You're already gay, my lovely Gure-nii! I will stand beside you in times of trouble!

Shigure: I will always be with you, Aya!

Me: O.O Akito?

Akito: Um... Um... I'M NOT READY TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!

Kyo: What the hell?

Akito: FIRE FIRE PANTS ON FIRE! –poof-

Me: Not fair. Anywho, we have one more question for Haru... Where is he anywho?

Yuki: HARU! GET YOUR HAIRY BUTT THAT HAS NO BUTTNESS OVER HERE!

Akito: What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Haru: -poppity corn!- Peach out.

Me: -- Anywho, um, Haru, the question is- Wait, um, is this actually a question? Where's the producers?

Producer: What is it? We're in the middle of filming!

Me: Look at this question.

Producer: Oh. Gawd.

Akito: Yes?

Producer: Shut up. Hey, Director Dude. Come look at this question.

Director Dude: Jesus Christ.

Yuki: Yes?

Me: Yeah. It's a problem. Like, a glitch or something? How'd it get on my little blue cards?

Producer: It must be... I really... Well, if it's on the cards...

Director: Aw, what the hell. Just read it. He's right, it is on the cards.

Me: Well, if you say so... Now, get the camera man filming again.

Camera man: I'm a bearded lady, thank you very much!

Me: Oh. Sorry. Well, here I go...

Dierector: SHOT ONE MILLION AND TWENTY ONE! ACTION!

Me: Okay, Haru, the question is... Do you wear girl's underwear, and if so, how'd you get so hot?

Haru: What the hell?

Akito: What the hell!

Yuki: WTF!

Me: What the froggies?

Hatori: ADVIL!

Ayame: Brick wall!

Shigure: Fried froggies?

Kyo: WHAT THE HELL!

Me: -sighs- I knew you'd say that. Just answer it, Haru. It's on the little blue cards. Don't answer, and I'll use my long ranged weapon on you. –evil grin-

Akito: Which is...?

Me: A nail gun.

Haru: O.O Well, um, the truth is... Um, actually... I really, um... Don't feel comfortable telling...

Rin: -POPPOPPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP!- He does. I've seen him with his clothes off, and I should now. –glare- Is that Akito! GOD! –pops away-

Akito: Yesssss?

Me: -- Sometimes, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots.

Kyo: You're not the only one.

Me: ...

-silence-

-cricket-

Cricket: DAMNIT! I ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THAT!

Me: What were we talking about?

Hatori: Advil?

Me: No, that wasn't it... Oh yeah, I remember! TRAPEZE ARTISTS!

Akito: What the hell?

Me: Stop swearing.

Akito: NEVER! BI-

Me: That's a really bad word. Use kid-friendly version, dork-o-meter.

Yuki: What kind of insult is that?

Hatori: WHITE ADVIL! –nods knowingly-

Shigure: Haa-san, you're starting to scare me... –whimper-

Me: COWARD! –slaps-

Akito: WHAT WAS THAT FOR, YOU ♥♠♣♦! WASN'T IT SHIGURE BEING COWARDLY! DAMN YOU!

Me: You all swear too much! –pouts-

Akito: Never slap me again, or I'll throw you off a cliff.

Me: Since when was that a threat? –raises eyebrow-

Shigure: Aww, Akii-chan's feathers are ruffled. Let me make it all better! –huggles- -kisses-

Akito: -falls off cliff- MFKHAFKHASKJFAKSJFAKSJFKSLGASNAKLT!

**A/N: Also known as random GIBBERISH.**

Shigure: Oopsy-daisy. –giggle-

Me: And I thought _I _was evil. –shakes head- Gawd.

Akito: -mumbling- Yes...?

Yuki: I SHALL NOW BE KNOWN AS- THE TICKLER! C'mmere, Kyonkichi! Lemme tickle you! –tickling!-

Kyo: PERVERT! PEEPING TOM! GET OFF! –tries to grab nail gun-

Me: My nail gun. –grabs-

Shigure: Since when was Yuki a Peeping Tom?

Kyo: SINCE I SAID SO! NOW, GET THE HELL OFF ME!

Yuki: But, I love you Kyo!

Kyo: -sighs- Bye bye! –pushes off cliff- -giggle-

Me: You've never been the giggling type... UNLESS! –tries to pull Kyo's head off-

Kyo: OUCHIES! WHAT THE HELL!

Me: Oh. I guess it isn't Hiro in a Kyo suit. –shrugs- Oh well.

Kyo: Moo!

Me: TOO RANDOM FOR MEH! D

Kyo: -poofitypoof!-

Me: Uh... I don't know what to type now.

Shigure: Then why are you typing?

Me: Because watching Arwen try to River Dance while he's drugged is really funny.

Hatori: I'M A REALLY PRETTY RIVERDANCER! –falls over- WHERE'S THE ADVIL!

Me: O.O If we're not careful, he's gonna overdose.

Shigure: ReAlLy...?

Me: And when he does, I'll be dancing around the cremater! D

**Yup.**

**SHorty chapter.**

**Now I'm done. WOW.**

**OH MEH GAWD.**

**Akito: What? THIS IS GETTING OLD!**

**O.O Shut up, Akii-chan.**

**Anywho.**

**You can still put in fanmail.**

**That way, I can laugh at your questions of doom.**

**Yeps.**

**Yeps.**

**YAY FOR CRICKETS!**

♥♥♥**- EMBY.**


	16. Sharp Pencils

**Yup.**

**It's me.**

**Come to wreck your lives. **

**YET AGAIN.**

**Meh name is Emby and I ain't 'fraid to use it!**

**Did that make sense to anyone? XD**

**Well, anywhooooooo!**

**IT'S ALL THE THINGS IN A HEALTHY BREAKFAST!**

**THE SHOW: FRUITS BASKET OF DOOOOOOOM!**

Me: Moooooo!

Haru: That is offensive to my sense of smell.

Me: Hmm? What sense?

Yuki: -poof- HARRRROOOO!

Me: Haro? HAMtaro?

Shigure: -poppitymary- Ham? WHERE?

Hamtaro: SQEAUKKKKKKK!

Me: -blink blink- Oh. Well. Anywhooo. Um, um! HILARITY LOSS!

Hatori: Take these pills!

Me: You take them!

Hatori: -pops pills-

Me: What have I done...? Now we'll have to deal with a drunk Hatori!

Yuki: You mean drugged.

Me: No, I mean drunk.

Yuki: DRUUGED!

Me: DRUNK!

Yuki: DRUGGED!

Me: DRUNK!

Yuki: DRUGGED!

Me: DRUGGED!

Yuki: DRUNK! God damnit!

Akito: -poof!- Don't use the name of the Lord in vain.

-silence-

Me: O.O Idiot... Well, today, I was sitting in class doing my math homework, and-

Haru: What does that have to do with dugged Hatori?

Me: Drunk. Anyways, I was sitting in class, and this one kid was holding a **very sharp pencil** right by my neck... And my teacher was like, "HEY! STOP THAT, ONE KID!" and I jumped, and the pencil poked me in the back of the neck... –sigh-

Yuki: What does this have to do with anything?

Me: Nothing! But now, I'm scared for life... My reality is shattered... THE MEN IN THE WHITE JACKETS!

Haru: -blink blink-

Akito: -twitch twitch-

Me: And then, when I was walking home yesterday, one of the highschoolers rose up in a white car, and was like, "NICE BACKPACK, (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored)!"

Akito: Ummm...? I AM GOD, AND THOU SHALT STOP TALKING!

Me: MAIL OF THE FAN!

-------------------------------------

Me: Okay: To Hatsuharu: Do you have Mad Cow disease?

Haru: GOD NO.

Akito: AHEM! –pointy pencil-

Me: -jumps- AHHHH! PENCIL! –falls over, paralyzed-

Akito: Heh. Heh. Heh. Question: To Shigure: Do you have fleas?

Shigure: -pop!- I CERTAINLY DO NOT!

Kyo: -poofity- Damn right he does.

Yuki: I should know. I find them in my bed every once in awhile.

Hatori: yO, MeH gAnGsTa HoMiEs! WaT uP?

Akito: Hatori! YOU'RE DRUGGED!

Me: -mumbles about sharp pointy pencils-

Akito: Hehheh! I WIN! I AM GOD! OF KYO, AND-

Kyo: That's enough, god damnit!

Akito: DON'T YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!

Kyo: I WILL IF I WANT TO, YOU F-

**A/N: This episode has been censored by Censors R Us!**

Akito: -GASPEH!-

Shigure: -GASPEH!-

Yuki: Um, was that a F-bomb?

Shigure: You're supposed to gasp.

Yuki: Oh. –GASPEH!-

Akito: Moving on... Next one to me... Akito... Am I gay or lesbian? WHAT THE FF'NN HELL!

Shigure: Lesbian. –evil giggle-

Yuki: Gay. –evil grin-

Ayame: -poof!- BOTH! –giggly grin-

Akito: Let's skip that one... To Kyo: Seriously! Your cursing is tearing me apart! Stop swearing! My life is in your hands!

Kyo: -blink blink- -stares at hands- Meh hands, huh...? –squeezes hands- WELL, DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Ayame: Tsk. Language.

Kyo: Shut the F- (censor censor) up.

Yuki: When did Kyo's swearing get so bad?

Shigure: When you became his lover, Yuki!

Kyo: I AM NOT HIS LOVER!

Yuki: But I'm yours. –giggle-

Akito: -twitch-

Ayame: Ah, reminds me of when were young, doesn't it, Gure-nii?

Shigure: Yes, Aya! –kisses-

Akito: STOP THAT! I AM GOD, AND YOU WILL ONLY KISS MY BUTT!

Shigure: Plenty pleased to do that, too. –evil giggle-

Akito: Anyways... To Aya: Are you a poisonous snake?

Ayame: Of course not! I wouldn't be able to bite Shigure!

Kyo: AM I THE ONLY FRIKKIN' STRAIGHT GUY HERE!

Haru: Obviously.

Akito: Next question. For everyone.

-GASPEH!-

Akito: Do any of you have any idea where Tohru is? Is one of you secretly holding her hostage or something?

Kyo: O.O' I wouldn't let Tohru come near this bunch of ! If a rabid chihuahua was attached to my ass.

Yuki: Where is Honda-hottie, anyways?

Akito: God knows where that ugly biot-

**A/N: Wow. This one is FULL of bad language. Remind me to have a really funny, innocent one next time... I got it! I'll make everyone a unicorn! YAY!**

Shigure: Umm... I had nothing to do with it... –poof!-

Ayame: Aw, he's shy! –cute-

Haru: Ask Rin and Hiro.

Akito: Moving on. For Haru... Will you marry me? And will you turn Black and kill Tohru and Ayame for me?

Haru: O.O

Rin: -poof- NO HE WON'T, -BBBBBEEEEEEPPPP!-! BECAUSE HE'S MINE! THE PSYCHOTIC STALKER HORSEY LADY! HAHAHAHA!

Akito: I'd be willing to have him kill people and blame it on Hatori.

Hatori: -too drugged to speak-

Akito: Last one for me... Can I count to five? YES I CAN, DAMNIT!

Kyo: No he can't.

Akito: YES SO!

Haru: TIME TO GO BLACK AND ON A RAMPAGE! –goes Black- HAHAHA! –charges off cliff-

Kyo: FF'NN idiot.

Akito: Yup.

Me: PENCIL! DIE! –swings giant chainsaw and nail gun-

-AAACCKKK!-

Me: There's a candy sale going on. –sits down in chair- It's magical.

-silence-

Me: Did everyone poof when I swung that chainsaw around?

-silence-

-cricket-

-cricket-

Me: I love joo, cricket!

-cricket! run away!-

Me: Bye, cricket.

-cricket. adios, loser.-

Me: -blink blink- -shoots nail gun- Let's use a hummingbird from now on.

-cricket. nailed to the ground.-

**Poor cricket.**

**It's short.**

**I'm tired.**

**I'm from Mars.**

**Pass the salt?**

**ANYWHO! Um, important... I'm only going to twenty-one chapters.**

**-GASPEH!-**

**Yeahup.**

**READ IT WHILE YOU CAN...**

**As already stated, I'm writing an Eragon fanfic, and I'm plenty open to suggestions as to what you guys wanna read! XD**

**Have a nice day!**

**Today's the best day ever!**

♥♥♥**- EMBY OF DOOM!**


	17. Vodka is Deadly

**Dudeness.**

**Where have I been?**

**Well, Mum said, "NO INNERNET FOR JOO!"  
And the rest of the family.**

**So, it's back to weekends and Thursday nights for you loverly reviewers. –nod nod-**

**On a weirder note….**

**THIS IS EMBY.**

**TYPING.**

**WOW.**

**ISN'T IT MAGICAL?!**

**I USE CAPS TOO MUCH!**

**BRINGING AN EXTRA DOSE OF STUPID TO YOUR DAILY LIFE!**

**IT'S FURUBA DOOMED!**

Akito: What…. What have you done….?

Me: -poof- -smug- I toldja we'd all be unicorns…. Ooh! I look pretty. –happy!-

Akito: WHAT THE FF'NN HELL DID YOU DO?!?! DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE BODY OF A UNICORN TO YOU?!

Kyo: -poofity!- WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!

Me: Oh. Well… Um… Kyo…. Ever heard of an orange unicorn? Like the color of your hair. –nod nod-

Shigure: He's an evil unicorn, because of his red eyes.

Me: Yep yep!

Akito: Sorry to interrupt your little _conversation, _BUT WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!

Me: Oh? You're a unigoat. Like from before!

Akito: -murderous- AND WHY THE HELL DID YOU DECIDE THAT?!

Me: Oh. I don't know. Just because. –shrug-

Kyo: Evil unicorn… I like the sound of that, damnit….

Shigure: I'm a Oscar Myers hot dog!

Me: No, you're just one of those little black dogs. --

Hatori: Yo, MeH gAnGsTa HoMiEs! WaT uP iN tHe HoUsE, hOmE dOg? Yo! –peace sign-

Akito: What the hell? –weird goat face-

Me: Um, let's go to the fanmail early today, okay? Yeah. Okay.

-Rest of Furuba charries POOOOOOF in. 'Cept Tohru. Because she's a loser. JUST KIDDING! I love Tohru. In a friendly way. Dude.-

MAIL OF THE FAN!

Me: -holds script- To Ayame: I think Yuki is jealous of your _passionate _relationship with Shigure. Maybe you should try to show him more _love _and _affection_.

Yuki: Yeah, Ayame. Love and affection.

Ayame: DEAREST! –kisses Yuki-

Shigure: To be honest, I LOVE YUKI TOO! –kisses-

Me: Children! Hide thy eyes! Sight is too gay to see!

Yuki: -is kissed- -stops making out- I hope Kyo isn't jealous. I LOVE YOU KYO! –kisses-

Kyo: GET OFFA ME, YOU-

Me: Now, now, now… Censors R Us are annoyed with all the swearing… They'll sue my makeup artist if it gets too bad….

Ayame: Makeup?!

Me: Anyways….. To Kyo: You're a **murderer**! You killed me with your awful language! My blood is forever stained on your hands!

**A/N: Little dramatic, aren't we:)**

Kyo: Damn right your blood is on my hands!

Me: Take that back!

Kyo: Never!

Me: Do it!

Kyo: I take that back!

Me: Good boy. –pats head- Next question is to Hatori: Have you ever considered going to rehab? Your drug problem is out of control. You're losing your mind!

Hatori: HoMiE, wAt U tAlKiN aBoUt? I aInT gOt No DrUg PrObLeM! YO!

Me: He's got a spelling problem. That's for sure.

Hatori: Fo ShOrE! In Da HoOd! My PiLlS aRe HaPpY pIlLs!

Me: And a caps abusal problem. He's gonna get his doctor's license revoked… Do doctors have licenses?

Akito: OVER MY DEAD BODY! I NEED TO GET HIM TO PERSCRIBE ME ILLEAGAL PILLS! GO TO HELL!

Me: Shush, shush. The nice men in the white coats will be here soon to take you away, and put you in a nice, soft room.

-hummingbird-

Me: ANYWHO! Next Q&Stupid A. To Hatsuharu: Kyo is trying to steal Yuki away. You should go black and raise some hell.

Haru: DAMN RIGHT! KYO, YOU'RE GONNA DIE FOR STEALING MEH LOVER BOY!

Yuki: Harry! I knew you loved me!

Me: O.O It's… Haru….

Yuki: Yes! Haru!

Kyo: DIE, DAMNIT!

-fight commences in backround-

-glass shatters-

-erratic yelling-

-police come investigating arson-

Me: Next question, to me… Whoa, this is weird… POTC fan….? "Why is the rum gone?"

Shigure: I can answer that one. Easy. –evil grin-

**A/N: Why isn't this rated M?!?!**

Ayame: LET'S ALL GET CRAZILY DRUNK!

Me: Rum. Rum. Rum.

-hummingbird-

Me: AKITO! YOU'RE NOW A UNIGOAT WHO'S A TRAPEZE ARTISTE!

Akito: -jumps on ropes- Dah duh dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah! –circus music-

Me: -rolls eyes- Anywho. Holy Powers of Joyous Darkness, WHERE IS ALL MEH LOVELY FANMAIL?! MUST… TYPE!

Kyo: O.o How can you type if you're a unicorn?

Me: I have opposable hooves. –nod nod- Speaking of, I just realized I can type without looking at meh hands! –stares at hands- Oops, I mean, hooves.

**A/N: Before I keep on going, I would like to offer my best apologies to DesirePassion. I don't hate you, my mum just won't lemme on the internet! –sob- PLEASE, FORGIVE ME!**

Me: This is now titled, my milkshake and cookies!

Shigure: What?

Me: I had sugarfree gum today. And then I was hyper 'cause of it!

Yuki: Doesn't sugarfree gum have no sugar?

Me: Yep! That's why I'm hyper!

Everyone: Oo

Me: Yeah, I know you think I'm cool.

-hummingbird-

-silence-

Me: It was my b-day on the 13th of November. No one really cared. –sad-

-silence-

Me: YOU obviously don't care, EITHER!

-silence-

Me: Hellllooooo?!

-silence-

-hummingbird-

Me: They left me. Again. I guess I shouldn't have stayed off so long.

-silence-

Me: Do you think they'll ever come back?

-silence-

Me: TALK TO ME, SILENCE!

Silence: I ain't s'pposed to.

Me: Then what are you doing right now?

Silence: Being silent.

Me: Oh. That's lovely.

Silence: I know. Isn't it?

Me: So, um, as I was-

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

-Behind the scenes at Furuba of Doom-

Director: Gawd, they have to stop walking out on her. It messes everything up.

Producer: Yeah, I know. The little lines on the blue card can't help her now.

Dierector: Bob, do you think she knows she's talking to herself?

Producer: Nope. We probably could tell her, Tom.

Director: It's kinda funny. –giggle-

Producer: No one else thinks so.

Lines Producer (LP): I can't think of anything funny.

Director: SUCKS FOR YOU! –laughs-

Susie: Hey, boys.

Producer: -drool-

LP: Aw, c'mmon man, platinum blonde is so yesterday.

Susie: Really? The bottle said boots shine for the poor… -worried-

Mama: My gawd, get a comedian in there!

Director: It's a good thing they don't know we drink on the job. –sips vodka- Emby would kill us.

LP: Probably not. She'd yell at us for not letting her have the bottle.

Susie: Oh, that ?! SHE TOOK MY SHOW SPOT! And those bags of sand up near the ceiling never seem to hit her head.

LP: Oh, so you're the one who did that?

Susie: What? I was talking about my manicure.

Director: Eat piggie.

Producer: YOU!

Director: What kind of name is Producer, anyways?! You sound like a bunch of fresh veggies!

Producer: Are you saying I'm a carrot?!

Director: So what if I am?!

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Me: That was weird.

-silence-

Me: I wish they'd come back. I wonder if the tape's even rolling. We could probably get Oprah on the show. That'd be funny. Let's do that next time, 'kay, Director? Director? Where are you? –runs off set-

-silence-

-faint screaming in backround-

Me: -comes back with vodka in hand- NO, I DO NOT DRINK! –throws bottle at Director's head- You're fired!

Director: I hired myself! You can't fire me!

Me: -chainsaw-

Director: Fine. Be that way. I'm coming, baby! –waves at Producer-

Me: He was…. Gay? –shiver- Then all those times they were hitting on Susie…. –shudder-

-silence-

Me: GAW! FORGET IT! –stomps off-

**Hey, it's not long.**

**But I want Oprah!**

**Anyways, this is dedicated to DesirePassion…. Because I don't want her to hate me…. –sigh-**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**

**P.S. Have a Sugar-free gum day!**


	18. Do You Want Fries Wit' That, Homie?

**Chicken to China, the Chinese Chicken!**

**Did that make no sense?**

**Good.**

**Wasn't supposed to.**

**Anyways, if you're confused about this fic… Don't worry. I'll be posting sane stories later, and then you can go, "Oh! She's on crack!"**

**Yeppity.**

**Do you know what crack tastes like?**

'**Cause I don't, and I think they've been slipping it into my food.**

**You ask who they are?**

**That's a good question.**

Me: -yawns- I'm tireeedd….

Akito: -poof- Stop complaining.

Me: No. I refuse. I will make everyone miserable! Hahahah!

Akito.: Okay….?

Kyo: Ah, forget it. This is stupid. –walks away-

Me: He just realized that? O.O He's stupider than I thought….

Director: -walks on set- Holy crap, you suck at this.

Me: What?! Start directing and stop talking!

Director: We've decided to fire you.

Me: -blink blink-

-mob comes on set-

Mob: Yeah! You're terrible! Boo! –waves pitchforks-

Me: -tear-

Director: We've hired a _new_ Emby.

Me: What? There's only one me! And you're all fictional characters! I can just stop typing any time!

Director: Get her!

Mob: BOOO! –ties up, throws into small dark cell-

Me: Mmmmmph!

Director: Take that. Leave meh vodka alone.

Mob: You need us any longer? The throwing part cost extra.

Director: Naw, you're good. We'll wire you some money.

Mob: Alright. –The mob has left the building!-

Director: You can come out now. –motions off set-

Akito: What the hell is going on?! Sure, Emby was evil, had mood swings, flung people off cliffs, turned us into unicorns, shaved heads, made us go on stupid quests, and blew popcorn up, but- What the hell am I saying?! HELL YEAH! SHE'S GONE! WOOT!

Director: Eh em. That was quite the speech. –clears throat- Now, can we get on with this?

Akito: Oh. Yep. Where's Hatori? I WANT MY PILLS!

-GASP-

IT'S EMBY'S ALTER EGO!

THE GOOD ONE!

HOLY CARRIE UNDERWOOD!

Akito: You mean holy Akito.

THAT TOO!

Emby's Alter Ego (To be known as EAE): Hello! Now, let's make this into a good, pleasant fiction, yes? –smile- Now, in good fics, there's no scripting, so….

**EAE'S EVIL VERSION OF FURUBA OF DOOM: THE SHOW:**

Fourteen comfortable, soft cream looking chairs sat in a pleasingly warm and cozy open room on top of a high, rocky cliff, the two brothers living in the canyon arguing in the backround. China bowls, a microwave, a huge fridge, and a few other random assorted items were scattered around the carpeted area. A person strode onto the set, before looking around with a slight distaste and putting on rubber gloves. She picked up a chainsaw, chopsticks, and rubberbands before throwing all of it off the cliff.

"Now, that's so much better," She said with a pleasant smile, before sitting down. "Now, we have a few guests today- The members of the Fruits Basket zodiac! I'm Emby v. 2.0, and I'm your host today!" There was polite clapping from the audience as the camera turned to show twelve people being led in, a few singing, one with a shaved head, and another orange-headed one being led in in handcuffs.

"They never would've caught me if that undercover cop disguised as an old lady hadn't have beat me with her purse…." He was muttering with a scowl as the cop beside him handcuffed him to the chair with a pat and a, "There there, kitty," before leaving.

"Ahh, before we start our show today, why don't we open a few fanmails?" EAE said with a gentle smile. She pulled some blue cards from a coffee table and read one aloud to the audience.

"We have four questions from a excited person named DesirePassion, the first being- Um, I mean… Well…." EAE stuttered flusteredly, and Shigure let out a short giggle.

"If the real host was here, we wouldn't have this problem!" The white haired man beside him nodded in agreement before giggling with Shigure.

"Shut up!" EAE hissed, before reading the question. "To Hatori: U cAiNt SpEhlL wurth A sHeT!" She cleared her throat. "Spelled capital U, lower case c, uppercase A, lowe-"

"Geeze, we get the picture, lady." Hiro, his shaved head red with anger, said. "If you weren't such a s-"

"Now, no swearing." EAE chided. "Hatori, do you have anything to say to this?"

"Yes, I do. I can spell like everyone els-" He started before Shigure jumped up and put his hands around Hatori's neck. "Admit the truth, Ha'ri! You're a druggie and a useless person!" He shouted.

"Yes, yes! I am!" Hatori popped a whole bottle of pills that he extracted from his white coat. EAE's eyes were wide in horror as Hatori lapsed into his natural state. "nO i CaInT sPeHl WuRtH a ShEt!" He shouted happily.

"Hatori!" EAE gasped. The people in white jackets came, and put him in a straight jacket, with Hatori rocking back and forth like a madman. "IlL bE bAcK! wItH dRuGs FuH mEh HoMiEs!" He screamed as they put him in the white truck.

EAE was pale as a sheet. "Moving on," She managed, reading the little blue card. "To Kyo: Murderer! Censors R Us will avenge my death! You're gonna pay for every crime you've commited since the day you were born!"

Kyo strained against his handcuffs. "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL, YOU-"

Three women in blue jackets marched into the door. "Kyon-Kyon, I'm afraid you've gone too far," One said sternly, another one sawing through the handcuffs with a saw.

"We're going to make you pay for every crime you committed since the day you were born! HAHAHAHAHHAA!" She turned her back to laugh evilly, showing a Censors R Us logo as one tied up Kyo and tried to sling him over her shoulder. With a pink poof of smoke, the little orange cat had hissed, bitten, and clawed his way to freedom.

"Damn! Now we have to catch him," One grumbled, and they sprinted out the door in fast pursuit.

"Last fanmail," EAE gasped out with barely concealed anger. "To Shigure: I'm afraid your rabies has spread to Yuki, Kyo, Ayame, Hatsuharu, and Emby. The people I have just mentioned shall have a heartattack in 5 seconds. What the hell is that?!" EAE said. "This is stupid and you should all go to hell! YOU EVIL, S-" EAE fell over dead with the other four people.

**A/N: Kinda weird, huh? I get the feeling this is a very OOC'ish fic. But, I put spaces inbetween the paragraphs for you there illiterates. Thanks to DesirePassion for saving us from the infidel!**

**P.S. The infidel was EAE, for those who don't know what an infidel is. xD**

Me: I'm back.

Akito: I thought script format was illegal, damnit!

Me: I think it is.

Akito: Why aren't you rotting in a cell, anyways?

Kisa: Hell yeah.

Me: 'Cause I am teh all powerful. Duh. I thought we already went over this.

Akito/Kisa: O.O'

Me: Where's everyone?

Yuki: -gets up off the ground- Drinking booze, and trying to lynch Kyo. I'm off to join them. Damn you.

Me: If it's vodka, I'll kill someone.

Shigure: Nope! It's spiked punch, rum, and crack.

Me: Oh. Have a nice time. Be back for the show.

Akito: HOW THE HELL DID YOU ESCAPE?! –rage-

Me: Oh, well, since my evil alter ego-

Kisa: You are evil, damnit!

Me: Don't interrupt. Anyways, DesirePassion's description of Shigure's rabies only affected those on set, so… EAE's dead. –kicks body off cliff-

Akito: Stupid.

Me: And proud. xD

Silence: This is so stupid.

Me: Eat a parrot.

**A/N: If you'll remember… In an earlier chapter…. Chapter 7, to be exact…**

Hatori's cell: Hatori's not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the seahorse neigh. –SEAHORSE NEIGH-

**A/N: This is the message Kana left.**

Kana's voice: Holy crap, Hatori! You are so evil! A PIRATE! YES, A PIRATE! I will kill you. And your other eye. DIE! I LOVE YOU! DIE!

Beeeeeeep.

**That's the end of that chapter.**

**It was, like, Scary.**

**I know.**

'**Cause I wrote it.**

**Anywho, love to DesirePasison, who saved my life.**

**And kudos to Chi, who's weapons of mass destruction shalt be used in the next episode! WOOT!**

**Also, important message:**

**IF YOU WANT MY SONGFIC FOR THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA, GIMME A HOLLAR!**

**Thank you!**

**Do you want fries wit' that, homie?**

♥**- Emby**

**P.S. Kicks and giggles!**


	19. It's a Flying Tohru Dummy? ! ? !

**Hiya!**

**First of all, Merry Christmahaunakwanzama!**

**And a Happy New Years, too. XD**

**Now then, you might be wondering why I haven't bee on. For a very good reason: My family is moving, and it's been somewhat... stressful.**

**Which tisn't funny at all. ;d**

**So, here's your latest serving of FURUBA IN A BOX! xD**

Me: Woah... I just discovered something.

Akito: No one cares.

Me: The readers do!

Akito: They're no one. –nod nod-

Me: -sigh- Anyways, you can buy Furuba books from Singapore:D

Yuki: -poof- They're in Singaporian, aren't they?

Me: Nope. English. TAKE THAT, SINGAPORE! Now I can get all but number 21 of the Furuba series early! –pleased-

Kyo: Damn stupid rat. There's no such thing as 'Singaporian'.

Haru: -poofs- DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! –snarls- I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M MAD, BUT I'M GONNA KILL WHOEVER MADE ME MAD!

Me: -squeaks- I didn't think he'd remember the whip cream thing! Um... Um... Hey, look over there!

Kyo: -looks-

Yuki: -looks-

Akito: -looks-

Haru: -looks-

-silence-

Akito: What exactly... Are we looking at?

-silence-

Haru: -turns around- WHERE'D SHE GO! I JUST REMEMBERED ABOUT THE WHIP CREAM!

Me: -poof!-

Haru: Damnit...

Kyo: Look!

Yuki: It's a bird!

Akito: It's a plane!

Haru: It's a flying Tohru dummy...?

-shock-

Kisa: OHMEHGAWD! TOHRU! I'LL SAVE YOU! –leaps into the air-

Yuki: OHMEHGAWD! TOHRU! I'LL KILL YOU! –cough cough- I meant, I'LL SAVE JOO! –jumps into air-

Shigure: MY ASPARACHUCKS SHALL ROOLE ALL! –brandishes- WHERE IS THE GREEN GOBLIN?!

**A/N: In case you didn't know... Asparachucks are nunchucks made of asparagus. Duh.**

Spiderman: -poof- THAT'S MY LINE! –hits Shigure over head with piano- Fair maiden! I'll save you with my awesome Spidey powers of doom! I'm a dork! –leaps into air- -shoots web- Uh oh. –falls down cliff-

Kyo: -- There's... No large buildings around a cliff, Spidey-dork.

Haru: Weren't you listening to me?! TOHRU! KYO! TOHRU!

Kyo: WHAT THE HELL?! TOHRU?! WHY IS YUKI SAVING HER?! HE FREAKIN' THINKS SHE'S HIS DAMN MOTHER! I'M IN LOVE, DAMNIT!

-GASP-

Hiro: That was a giant plot revealer, dumbass.

Kyo: I CAN REVEAL PLOTS IF I WANT, DAMNIT! TOHRU! –leaps into air with amazing kitty powers- ME AND MEH KIBBLE SHALL SAVE YOU!

Kisa: -catches- OHMEHGAWD! IT'S A DUMMY!

Kyo: -hisses- Gimme! Tohru, my love! Who did this to you! –kisses-

Yuki: Get your dirty hands off of her!

-squabble-

-squabble-

Akito: KILL IT! KILL IT!

Shigure: Tohru! Dear sweet Tohru! I need food!

Akito: KILL! –foam-

Kyo: BACK OFF! –hiss- My kitty kibble shall revive you! –pours Meow Mix-

Hiro: DIE! –brandishes chainsaw-

Kisa: ONEE-CHAN! I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU MORE THAN HIRO!

Hiro: What the-

Akito: KILLLLLLLLLLLL!

Yuki: Mama! Maaaamaaaaa! –sobs-

Spiderman: -delirious- I TRY TO SAVE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU DO?! GO RUNNING TO SOME OTHER MAN! GAWD, MARY JANE! GET A LIFE! THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER! –pouts in corner-

Haru: EMBY MUST DIE! WHIP CREAM!

Tohru Dummy: -silence-

Me: -poof- -throws peas-

-silence-

Akito: You did not just throw peas at me.

Me: Yesh, I did. –proud- You guys know that's only a dummy? The real Tohru's somewhere else.

-silence-

Kyo: WHAT THE –bleeeeeep-!

**A/N: Censors R Us: -shakes fist- Damn him to hell! What?! NOOOOooooOoOOOO!**

Yuki: I want Mama... –sniffle-

Fangirls: YUKI! WE'LL BE YOUR MOTHER! –crowds-

Yuki: -sniffle- Well, my real mother would kill _her_. –points-

Me: What? –wide eyes-

Fangirls: CHAAAARRRGGEEE! –run towards-

Me: Heheh. –evil grin- Bull! –holds out red cloth-

Fangirls: CHAAARRGGEEE!

Me: -moves-

Fangirls: -run off cliff- IEEEE!

-silence-

Me: -grabs dummy from Kyo-

Dummy: -poof-

-silence-

Me: Before it gets any more hectic, let's open some fanmail. –nod nod- -sits- -grabs blue cards- Okay, first's to... Akito: You're a girl and you know it!

Akito: No comment. –glare-

Me: Ah hem. Moving on... To Kyo: Two words: ANGER MANAGEMENT!

Kyo: WHAT! –grabs stick- This... IS ANGER! –strangles stick- Oh. Sorry Hiro. Didn't know you looked like a stick, you evil little-

Me: O.O To Tohru: Where are you? (P.S. Smack her for me. She's too happy.)

Akito: Yes, where is the little –bleep-?!

Yuki: HOW DARE YOU?! –strangles camera-

Me: Now, now... Calm down...

Kisa: I HATE JOO! –points at (name changed to protect)-

Me: Um... yeah. To Haru: I love you! Wanna go out for a walk and make fun of people and read works of Edgar Allen Poe? (P.S. You're hawt!)

Rin: -poof- -evil glare-

Haru: O.O Rin has meh heart, and I already make fun of people...

Rin: That's the right answer. –nod nod- If you'd said anything different, I would've broke your neck.

Me Next! To Yuki: Your hormones are out of control... Get laid already!

Yuki: OUT OF CONTROL?! LOOK WHO'S OUT OF LINE WITH THE QUESTIONS! –glare-

-silence-

Yuki: No, I'm happy! –prances- I feel like a unicorn!

Me: And they said I was on crack. O.O

Yuki: -sobs- No... No, don't be like that...I HATE YOU! –angry-

Me: To Akito: How many sex changes have you had in your entire life? Do you even have a gender now?

Akito: Um... None?

Hatori: -poof- ThAt'S a LiE!! –poof-

Akito: No comment.

Me: How would Hatori know...? O.O Anyways. To Kyo: Revenge will soon be mine, so damn you to hell. Damn it! I said a bad word! Even beyond death your swearing spreads...

**A/N: Sorry, DesirePassion. I resurrected him for the sake of stupidity.**

Kyo: BRING IT ON, -bleeeeep!-

Me: Heh. Anyways, To Yuki: Which do you like more? Older or younger men.

Yuki: Are you asking for any specific reason?

Me: She's a girl, stupid! –smacks- Back off! Insult her again, and I will seriously injure you! –anger- -holds out chainsaw-

Yuki: ...

-silence-

Me: Oh yes. –presses button-

-bucket pores down tons of magical black sludge-

Me: Everyone but me is covered! –happy-

Yuki: UGGH!

Akito: So... nasty... Feminine side... Needs bath! –shudder-

Me: O.O –shiver- Scary...

**-sigh-**

**Only two more chapters to go, and no sign of Tohru.**

**The Sohma's must be starving.**

**That's why they're acting all weird. Tohru's not there to smack them and tell them it's rude.**

**Sorry, Tohru. Wherever you are.**

♥♥♥♥**- EMBY!**

**P.S. Some noticed... Others might have not. My songfic is gone, due to someone REPORTING me for something.( WHOEVER YOU ARE... FEEL BAD, FOR YOU HAST DEPRIVED OTHERS OF FUNNYNESS!) (It was for, like, posting it in Plays/Musicals. Obviously, people care if you mispost. --)**

**P.S.S. I forgot to mention something. I never had to say this before (I've never really gotten flamed); but if you flame me, I don't care. I'll just go and flame your sorry fic right back. ;) You'll be miserable for the rest of your life, for I am a professional stalker.**

**P.S.S.S. I also never said this, but 100 reviews... Just for me... Please? xD**

**P.S.S.S.S. Here's hoping you have a nicely stupid, funny day. ♥!**


	20. In Which Sugar Cubes are Saved

**Ello, poppit.**

**It's a nice, piratey, FREAKING COLD day out here in good 'ol ………**

**I almost said where I lived! –GASP-**

**Anyways, I had Key Lime Whipped Yogurt (which I don't own, unfortunately. If I did, I'd be freakin' rich. xD) this morning, and it inspired me to do great things.**

**Are you surprised?**

**I am.**

**THE SHOW: FURUBA OF DOOM!**

**Just in Case…….**

**Disclaimer: I don't even have a stock in manga companies. I do own John Fear Chainsaws, Inc., and peas. 'Cause they were given to me. But, I DO NOT OWN FURUBA, 'CAUSE I CAN'T DRAW. ;d Also, no sugar cubes were harmed in this chapter.**

Me: Peas, peas, the magical fruit….

Kyo: Peas aren't fruit, damnit.

Me: ;d You're stupid, Kyo-chan.

Yuki: Immaturity alert! WEE WOOO WEE WOOO!

Me: -snicker- Don't worry; Yuki, the men in the white jackets will here soon to put you in a nice, padded room.

Yuki: -glares-

Me: Well, I was going to say something witty and ultimately intelligent, but…. I forgot.

Akito: Whaddya mean, forg-

-screen goes fuzzy-

-wild screams and sirens are heard-

-random person yelling to save the sugar cubes-

-person female in gender putting up an excellent fight to save her show getting overwhelmed by Arnold-USE THE FORCE-Negger and getting tied up in a corner with a gag-

-cough cough-

-screen clears to black background-

Microphoney-Young Natural Accenting Motherly Earthly (almost sounds like) Isabella Screechingly Boring Alluring Rant-capable No-good Excellent Yishka man (heretofore known as MYNAMEISBARNEY man): We welcome you back to your amazing stupid program!

-in backround: cough cough-

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: Excuse me, but I must announce that as your new narrator, the show has been totally re-vamped and put in a good, new direction.

-black and white view of set-

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: Now, let me hand it over to COODLES, who shall explain the way our show shall now work! –pleasantly evil venomous smile-

COODLES: Now, Momiji's name is spelled Momiji, not Momoji as incorrectly believed by most people. –glare-

-cough COUGH-

COODLES: Anyways, this is now a reality show! We will be putting the characters of Fruits Basket into a fabulous house, and locking them in it! They must compete to win in various competitions (which shall be picked later), to win the grand prize which shall be picked later!

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: Unbeknownst to them, hidden cameras shall monitor their every move and every word, including for those who are in love, SHOWER CAMERAS!

-random hoots in background-

COODLES: And now, with a magical poof, let's meet our contestants!

-POOFITYDOOLA!-

Kyo: My name is Kyo Sohma. I hate the world, leeks, Yuki, Emby, and you. Mostly Yuki and Emby. I hate them all. I hate this stupid show. I wish I was an emo. Damn you all to hell!

Yuki: My name is Yuki Sohma, and I'm the prettiest, most handsome/popular boy at school. I have a 72-pack on my stomach, and I'm now proud to announce that I'm officially coming out of the closet! Yay! I HATE YOU! OUCH, MY HORMONES!

Kagura: My…. My name is Kagura Sohma…. I love Kyo….. –kisses action figure- I don't even care if in family marriages cause deformities in children…. GET YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF OF HIM! –snarls at hands- YOU'RE EVIL!

Ayame: I'm Ayame Sohma! I'm Yuki's loving older brother! My favorite pastime is skinny-dipping with Shigure! I like dressing up like a girl!

-cough cough: There's the truth serum working. (smug)-

Shigure: -starts stripping- I'm- Too sexy for my clothes! Too sexy for my clothes! Too- Wait, whaddya mean this isn't American Idol?! I got into this outfit just for Simon! It's a…. Reality show? Even better! –keeps stripping- I'm Shigure Sohma, and don't let Ayame know I cheat on him with Yuki! Simon, if you're watching, I LOVE YOU! –fangirl screech-

**A/N: Sorry if you're from somewhere that is socially deprived and has never met Simon. Simon, I'm sorry for you.**

Akito: My name is Akito Sohma. I am GO!D! It's like Panic! At the Disco except with the ! between the g and d. Yep. Special. My gender has not been confirmed. Fire hydrant.

Momiji: I'm a rabbit! WOOT! Kiss meh, camera! –smooch-

Rin: I hate you all. I love Haru. I'm so depressed. Nobody loves me! I ruin lives! MAMA!

Haru: My name is Hatsuharu Sohma. It's a mouthful, yeah, but who cares? Before Rin hurts me, I'd like to say that I've been her puppet for years, and- WHADDYA MEAN, I LOVE HER?! WHAT THE HELL?! DIE, CAMERA!

Hatori: My name is Hatori Sohma. I have no interests. I used to love Kana, but then she called me a pirate. After that, my life was over. –pulls out needle- I don't deserve to live! –sticks needle in neck- OoOpS! tHaT wAs ThE lIqUiD dRuGs! Yo, MeH hOmIeS! dRuGs FoR aLl!

Kisa: I'm Kisa Sohma, and I want to win! MUAHAHHA! Hiro and me are romantically involved, and I want to kill Emby for shaving his head!

Hiro: I want my hair…. What? I'm on camera? WTF?!

Ritsu: I'm SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRRRRRYYYY! FORGIVE ME! I'M NOT WORTHY!

Kureno: I'm Kureno…..

Ghost: I'm Ghostie. I hang around so Kureno can feel alone.

-cough cough: Emo Kureno….-

COODLES: And those are our contestants! We'll have other characters popping in and out as they please, but for now, we're just going to keep it at that. The Thirtee Forswarn (as we call them) have now been comfortably moved into their new home, where Chaos reins supreme!

-FUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-

-screen poofs to a big house-

Kyo: WTF?!

Yuki: This is not cool. I mean, how am I supposed to shave my armpits with no razor?!

Akito: I call the top bunk! HAHA!

Everyone: Dot dot dot…

-3 minutes later-

COODLES: Now we return with the roommates together and talking about overthrowing the others! The pairs are so:

Akito and Momiji

Rin and Ritsu

Haru and Ayame

Hatori and Kyo

Shigure and Kisa

Yuki and Kagura

Hiro and Ghostie

(Emo) Kureno

COODLES: Let's have the camera scroll through!

Akito: Okay, I figure that if we just lay out a few traps, we can-

Momiji: I've got a magical pony, I've got a magical pony-

Akito: Um, yeah. But everyone will bow to meh superiority! MUAHAHAHA!

…

Rin: Damn you, Ritsu. Damn you, world. DAMN YOU, STUPID EMBY!

Ritsu: I don't wanna hurt anyone! –sobs-

Rin: Shut up, you weakling!

…

Ayame: Oooh, that dress is so flattering, Haru! I always knew there was an innocent goth lolita in you! Now just fold your hands behind your back like that…. Yes…. Frown for the camera!

Audience: -horror-

…

Hatori: I bElIeVe I cAn GeT hIgH! gOt CaUgHt By ThE FbI! AlL i WaNtEd WaS sOmE dRuGs! DuDe!

Kyo: -calling Kagura's cell- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll pay the 5 mil as soon as I win. Deal. –hangs up- Hatori, shut up! Making fun of weird songs isn't cool! DAMN YOU!

…

Shigure: Yes, yes! YES! LIKE THAT! HARDER!

Kisa: Um, Unk-san, the Spiderman doll can only swing webs so fast.

Shigure: I know…. –sad- Do you know where Yuki's room is? I want to go make some uncomfortable threats to him.

Kisa: A Spiderman doll can't bite Yuki's ear, Unk-san.

Shigure: I know, again…. –sad- BUT I CAN THREATEN!

**A/N: If you thought that Shigure was doing something sick and wrong, then you have a deeeerty mind. –frowns-**

…

Kagura: -kisses Yuki-

(Fangirls: UH!)

Yuki: I love you, Kagura!

Kagura: Do you have… A weakness?

Yuki: -kisses-

Kagura: -kisses-

Yuki: CHEESE!

Kagura: -calls Kyo- Yep. Yep. Cheese. Deliver the money to Penguins. Yep. Yep. Over. –hangs up-

Yuki: Kagura, kiss me!

Kagura: PERV! –slaps-

…

Hiro: Don't look at me like that! I'll sue you!

Ghostie: Shaved head! HAHA!

…

Kureno: I'm so lonely…. Mr. Lonely… I'm so lonely… All here on my own!

…

COODLES: And now, the first challenge! You must… Stick your finger up your nose! The one to do it longest shall eliminate one person. Anyone wanna quit?

Ritsu: -sobbing- NUUU! I CANNOT! –poofs-

COODLES: -mutter- I never liked him anyways. 3…2…1…. STICK!

Everyone: -finger up nose-

-3 hours later-

Shigure: I WON! HAHAHAHAHAHHA!

COODLES: Who shall be leaving, Shigure?

Shigure: Um… Um! Rin!

Rin: -glares- You'll pay. Yo. –poofs-

Uo: -poof- WHAT AM I DOING HERE, DAMNIT?!

COODLES: You are our guest for the next round!

Uo: Emo!

Kuremo: Uo!

-beautiful run-towards music-

-record squeak-

Uo: Wait, I hate you, don't I?

Kureno: …

Uo: Bye bye! –flips the bird- -poof-

COODLES: The nest challenge is crossing your eyes. Whoever can do it the longest without physical injury wins!

Hiro: Forget this B.S. C'mmon, Kisa.

Kisa: I'm in love with Shigure! DAMN YOU, HIRO! –waves Spiderman-

Hiro: -gasp- -poof-

COODLES: Begin!

-5 minutes later-

Shigure: Damn, I'm good at this stuff!

COODLES: Who shall leave?

Shigure: Ghostie, 'cause Kureno needs to be alone.

Ghost: -sob- Off to the afterlife! –drifts away-

COODLES: Uh… Okay. Let's move on to the next-

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: Wait, COODLES! There's fanmail.

COODLES: WTF?

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: First question. To Kyo: You damn BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP piece of crap! My language is tainted and it's all because of you. I hope you're happy!

**A/N: Well, Kyo's got an admirer. xD**

Kyo: … DAMN YOU TO HELL! HAHAHA! I AM HAPPY, DAMN IT!

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: Um, yeah. Anyways, next question, To Shigure: I have pictures of you with another man. If you don't want your precious Ayame to find out then do ten pushups and jumping-jacks while drinking beer upside down!

Shigure: I've always wanted to try this! –does pushups and jumping jacks while drinking beer-

-cough cough: HAHAHAH! Arnold-USE THE FORCE-neggar, why did you make that move?! You're letting me win! Checkers doesn't require that much brain over brawn!-

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: USE THE FORCE-neggar, she's supposed to be gagged!

Arnold: -heavy accent- Oh. Yeah. –knocks out-

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: To Akito: Emby is the new god of Sohmas. Your title and position has been taken from you.

Akito: NUUUU!

-silence-

**A/N: I ♥ joo, DesirePassion! –huggles- In a good way, of course. xD**

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: Okay. That's 'bout it. Continue.

COODLES: Our next challenge is the back-stabber! You must backstab your roommate in some way! The contestants shall all now by transported into a large room with their roommate and find a way to back stab them, thus eliminating them! Just for refreshers, here's who's left:

Akito and Momiji

Haru and Ayame

Hatori and Kyo

Shigure and Kisa

Yuki and Kagura

(Emo) Kureno

COODLES: LET THE CAMERA'S ROLL!

-shower cam: Yuki: WTF?! I'm in the shower! –gets poofed with a towel- Nuu!-

-Poofity-

**And on that note, let me end.**

**The next chapter is my last! Oh nuu!**

**I know, everyone's like sobbing for the loss of brain cells, and rejoicing for the end, but it's gonna be weird for me because I started in summer and we've come all this way. ;D**

**But, I have a sane one coming, so we're all gonna live! wOOt!**

**---**

**Also, lemme have some votes as who you guys want to win. I kind of modeled the "Superior" –cough cough: Yeah, right!- show after Big Brother, so I want votes! Heck yes!**

**And maybe whoever gets the most votes shalt win! **

**So tell your friends, family, and the local drunkard to vote! **

♥**- Emby**

**P.S. Thanks to DesirePassion, who hasn't missed a chapter yet!**


	21. Doom Comes to Randomness

**It just occurred to me.**

**I'm a freakin' psychopathic writer! Yay:D**

**Well, also, not to mention that I'm way too sarcastic…. My RP'ing charries are all screwed 'cause of me.**

**But that's okay! Because I'M the RP'er! Yay!**

COODLES: After a quick –cough- comerical break, we're back with Furuba Super Edition Home Makeover!

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: Coodles, you mean, Little Sister.

COODLES: -blush- Yes, yes, Little Sister. Anyways, when we left, we were commencing the Backstabber challenge! The pairs are put into separate rooms, and instructed to bodily injure their roommates! –smirks-

-cough cough-: -sits up- Cream frosting! –falls backwards-

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: -whispers- Don't let it happen again, USE THE FORCE-neggar! I'll fire you, I warn you! –holds up match-

Arnold: Yo. –hits cough person with fire extinguisher-

**A/N: Inflicting pain on myself hurts. DX Does this make me a masochist or pain lover or whatever?**

**Random Person: Yeah. You're a psychopath. –whams with super grocery cart-**

**A/N: I've been watching my little brother play too much Dead Rising! All the Harleys and Pointy-Killer grocery carts and katanas and sniper rifles that inflict two health damage and lazer swords and stuff are rubbing off on me!**

**Zombie: BBBBaaaaaIIIttttt! –lunges-**

**A/N: -screeches- -runs off-**

**Zombie: -blink blink- IiiIIIeee Am ToO UUUUggggLLLLyyyy tttOOO LLLiiiVVVee! –throws self off mall roof-**

**A/N: Before it gets any more out of hand…. –shudders- -takes very dead zombie photo- Woot! 500,767 Prestige Points for Outtake, Brutality, and Drama! Not to mention the zombie was a hooker, so that gives me Erotica, too! –dances- Level up!**

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: WTF is up with that inner monologue? –stares-

COODLES: AH HEM! –coughs- Let's get on with this! –scowl changes to pleasant smile- Now, let's reintroduce our pairs!

Akito and Momiji

Haru and Ayame

Hatori and Kyo

Shigure and Kisa

Yuki and Kagura

(Emo) Kureno

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: And all are in their separate rooms!

**A/N: Yes, I know Momiji's name's spelled wrong in other chappies. But it's freakin' okay, 'cause I AM THE ALL POWERFUL! ;D**

COODLES: Now, let's go to our first pair.

…..

Akito: No weapons? WTF?!

Momiji: Ooh, the walls are padded! –bounces- I like padded walls!

Akito: Wait… -scuffles in kimono-

Audience: -GASP-

-silence-

Audience: -uncomfortable silence-

Random Woman: Take it all off, baby! –throws underwear at screen-

Random Man: Wife! I told you I wouldn't tolerate cross-gender relationships! –tsk-

RW: I don't care! Anyways, he's a guy!

RM: Whatever! I should know, 'cause I did something with HER!

Audience: -GASP-

(In Room: Akito: -evil laugh-

Momiji: -bloodcurdling scream-)

Audience: -ignoring-

RW: Don't make me snap my fingers in a Z Formation! –snaps fingers-

Audience: OHMEHGAWD! WTF?!

(Akito: Yes?

Momiji: Save…. Me! –sob-)

RM: Oh no you din'nt!

RW: Oh yes I did! You –beep!-

Audience: GASP!

RM: Don't talk to me like that, fool! –backhand slap-

Audience: GASP! –fascinated watching-

Other Person: This is better than the popular movie, "Honey, I Traumatized the Kids By Showing Them Things They Shouldn't See," Scene Two Hundred and Seventy-Three, 'The Thong Strikes Again!'

Another Other Person: Yeah, even better than the popular soap opera, "BackHand Fool Slaps of Our Lives!"

Other Another Person: But not nowhere as good as "Everybody Loves Stalker-Guy Named Raymoondo Who Stalker Raymond Until Raymond Had an Unfortunate Accident After Which Raymoondo Decided He'd Stalk Everyone Else Until They Loved Him!' Episode 1,506,935 which is called "The Last Victim: You!" It's kind of like The Ring-o, because you see it and get stalked for seven days and then you have an unfortunate accident. It's cool.

Audience: -tired of GASP!ing- -random moans-

Other Person Who Wishes He Was Another: Y'know what's worse? "You and Your Life: An Instructional Thingy Guide That Helps You Commit Suicide and Then Be Risen in Ghost Form By a Good Necromancer So You Can See What You're Missing."

Person Doomed to Be Otherish: I like that show.

RW/RM: Eh Hem?

People: Oh. Sorry. Get on with it, now!

COODLES: MIND WATCHING THE SCREEN?!

Audience: -tries to GASP!, fails, and most die in the resulting conflicting swarm of GASP!less people-

Everyone: -stares at screen-

Person: Where's Momiji?

(Back to Room of Doom)

Akito: MUAHAAHA! –evil laughter- -blood covered hands-

-room is spattered with blood-

Akito: -holding carrot- Now that he's gone, I can finally use up the last of this damn fake blood on someone and not save it for him! MUAHA!

(Rest of) Audience: -blink blink-

COODLES: Okay, um, let's move to our next pair after this quick commercial break!

-sigh-

COODLES: Damn, MYNAMEISBARNEY man, this isn't as easy a scam as it looks.

MYNAMEISBARNEY man: Just call me MNIB, for God's sakes. –annoyed-

COODLES: We're making tons of dimes, but that's about it! I want million-dollar bills. –evil eye glint-

MNIB man: By the time the show's over, there'll be no one left to complain about theft!

**A/N: Do my Super Author Senses sense a Plot? –gasp-**

COODLES: Quick, put that moustache back on. We're on in Three…Two… One… Welcome back! Our next pair is Haru and Ayame!

…

Haru: -blinks- -yawns-

Ayame: I cannot bring myself to harm you! –throws self against wall-

Haru: Get a life. –falls asleep-

Ayame: I shall poof in my most dignified way! –Drag Queen Alert! WHEE WOO WHEE WOO!- -Poofs-

-hours later-

Haru: Did I win?

…

Hatori: oNe oF uS mUsT dIe! –pulls out drug needle-

Kyo: Damn you. –stares at floor- Damn you.

Hatori: -stabs self with needle- YaY fOr DrUgS!

COODLES: Well, um, I guess that means both Hatori and Kyo move on…. –blink-

…

Shigure: I thought you loved me!

Kisa: -sigh- I just wanted damn Hiro out of my –bleep- hair! –throws Spiderman doll-

Shigure: NUU! –poof-

…

Kagura: You ruined my life! –snarls-

Yuki (half naked): I FEEL MY HORMONES COMING ON! –sobs-

Kagura: Stupid hormones!

Yuki: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I feel happy…. –dances around-

Random Person: Flower Princess! –throws flowers-

Yuki: Flowers?! My angsty self can't deal with that! –poof-

…

(Emo) Kureno: I don't wanna kill my emoness…. –blink blink-

-BAM-

-A GREAT FLASH OF LIGHT!-

-AND NOW KURENO HAS SEPARATE PERSONALITIES!-

-GASP-

Emo: I feel angsty.

Happy: I LOVE YOU, WORLD! I LOVE YOU, PADDED WALLS! –hugs wall-

Emo: Tree hugger! –grabs knife- Tree hugger! –advances-

Happy: Emo… What are…. What are you doing? –wails- No!

COODLES: Emo is the… Obvious… Winner.

…

**A/N: Yes, I know he's plotness in a box… But…**

Harin: Nuu! I was disembowled!

**A/N: Private joke. –evil grin-**

…

COODLES: Now, let's see who's left over!

Akito

Haru

Hatori

Kyo

Kisa

Kagura

(The Emoness of) Kurenoness

MNIB man: Now, our next challenge…. Um…. –thinks- Gum chewin'.

Kagura: WTF? –poof-

Kisa: I refuse to lower myself to such…. Extremes. –scowls- -disappears to some dark space-

COODLES: Let the chewing begin!

-LONG TIME LATER-

COODLES: Haru, you won, and therefore, you are eliminated along with Hatori! –evil laugh-

Haru: Did I win? –poofs-

MNIB man: That leaves Emo Kureno and Kyo! WHO WILL WIN?!

-DUN DUN DUN!-

COODLES: I have an appointment. Just kill them now. –walks off-

MNIB man: Fine. –sighs- -grabs knife-

Kureno and Kyo: -too angsty to move-

PERSON: I'LL SAVE YOU!

-kicks butt-

Me: Okay. ;D Show's saved.

MNIB man: But… How?

Me: -sighs- How many times do I have to explain to you people? I am the Almighty.

Everybody else: -poofs back-

Kisa: Damn, I didn't want to come back, you –bleep-!

Me: Kisa! I'm shocked! ;d

Kyo: I'm shocked that you still have the maturity of a five year old.

Me: The whole world is against me…. –wails- -sniff- Let's… Just open fanmail.

**A/N: Do you know how many think me and my mad writing skillz are hot? At least 13. xD Makes me happy.**

Me: First, to Kyo: I love you, bestest buddy!

Kyo: -blink blink- My lawyer says not to reply for fear of alerting Censors-R-Us.

Lawyer: -whisper- I cost 300$ per quarter second.

Kyo: WHAT THE –BLEEEEEEEP- -lots of words that shouldn't be repeated-

Me: Chibi Sasuke! Yay! –huggles-

Chibi Sasuke: Woo…. –poof-

Me: DX Doom.

Yuki: WTF was that?! –still only wearing towel-

Fangirls: -spazzing-

Me: Next, to Yuki: I hope you get a disease from kissing Kagura. I used to love you, but now you disgust me! Kagura and Yuki, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes-

Yuki: I'm too angsty to care. –sighs-

Fangirls: -overturn table- WHAT THE HELL!?

Me: To Hatori: You're a pirate who cAiNt SpHeL wurth A ShEt!

Hatori: PiRaTeS gEt HiGh?! CoOl! WhAt ArE tHeY sNiFiN? I wAnT iT! Yo, HoMiEs! WaZ uP iN tHe HoOdZ?

**A/N: My comp's spazzing 'cause every single word in above sentence is incorrectly used. :)**

Me: And… That's it. All of it.

-silence-

Me: -revvs chainsaw- I got some zombies to kill! –runs off-

-silence-

Kyo: This sucks.

Tohru: -poof- What'd I miss? –bright smile-

**And with that, I'm afraid this lovely fanfiction must come to an end.**

**I know, it's terrible, but it has to stop sometime. xD Just be consoled that another (prob'ly not psycho) is coming in about 4 or 5 days! WOOT!**

**I'm sorry it took so long to update. My schedule's screwed, and my fingers get cold. xD And this one, I was reluctant to end, but now it's done!**

**Tell me you aren't relieved. **

**Hugs and Giggles to all!**

**The Cheesecake Feels Tingly.**

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥**- EMBY OF DOOOOM! (Also known as Chainsaw Master, Leader of Order of the Chainsaw, Psychopath, Way Hyper, and Beloved of the Stupids, not to mention GOD! of the Zodiac and Kyo, a toaster oven, a What Would Tohru say Eight Ball, some peas, magical black sludge, chainsaws, some borrowed chopsticks, a big ego, and a life!)**

**THANKS TO-**

**DesirePassion- Thanks, bestest buddy! ♥**

**Chi (ReLaTeS)- Yay! –huggles- You made me laugh, and cry with joy!**

**CatsEyeFlashlight- Wicked awehsome skillz.**

**TheFutureMrs.HaruSohma- Haru can be gay if he wants to be! xD**

**Kluv19-You've stuck through all the chappies! Without dying! Yay!**

**Haru and Oki- You're wrong. Haru's MINE! –evil giggle laughter-**

**CowsRFreaky45- Cows scare me, too. :D**

**Itatchi's Sharingon Lover- If I can be Sasuke's lover, then we're even!**

**LivingOblivion-Keep on laughing like a rabid Chihuahua!**

**EcoliandtheChihuahua- Lovely fanfics!**

**Arilaen- Thanks for the LOL! xD**

**BlackShinobi- You're right, it is a parody! Weird….**

**Mugglecastlover31- For telling me I'm not delusional. Thanks, love. ;D**

**CallxMexSenseixSenpaixSamax- Hilarity smells? COOL!**

**AKITO. At the Disco- Thanks for letting Akito play Gawd. Keep up the parodies!**

**Tori31- Fond of my chainsaw? That's awesome, but get your own! xD**

**Yasu-san- You stay happy, too! ♣**

**SakuraRibbons- Thanks for the support! Have a pea. XD**

**Dark Wyndwing- Sissy stopped reading after awhile. Tsk. But, I love her all the same! ♥**

**Invaderfromearth- I likey the penname….**

**---------------------------------------------------------**

**If I forgot you, TOO BAD! XD**

**But, anyways, thank you all, and love you much. Hope to see you again! If you put me on your Favorites, then thanks all the more. ♥**

**AND TO ALL YOU READERS- A GREAT BIG HUG FILLED WITH CHAINSAWS BENT INTO WEIRD SHAPES IN THE BACKGROUND!**

**-ah hem- That's a compliment.**

**Happy Leprechaun day!**

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ **(again)- EMBY OF DOOOOM! (Also known as Chainsaw Master, Leader of Order of the Chainsaw, Psychopath, Way Hyper, and Beloved of the Stupids, not to mention GOD! of the Zodiac and Kyo, a toaster oven, a What Would Tohru say Eight Ball, some peas, magical black sludge, chainsaws, some borrowed chopsticks, a big ego, and a life!)**

**P.S. If you read this all in one sitting, cool. Your brain must hurt. XD**

**P.S.S. WARNING: MIGHT EXPLODE.**

**P.S.S.S. You can even keep reviewing! Woot!**

**P.S.S.S.S. Okay, serious now, Bai Bai!**

**P.S.S.S.S.S. No, I guess I really wasn't serious. xD**


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